Posted 02-20-2004 at 19:18:37
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I shoulda known something was up when I heard the crash. Fred is usually one of the most considerate people in the world when it comes to other people's sleeping time. He knows I've been sick, so I was catching up on some needed zzzz's this morning when he got up at four-thirty to get ready for work.
He also knows that when I wake up, I'm up for good, and that's the very thing he used against me this morning when he found out what Elvis had done. We all have our short comings, and Fred is no exception. There are just some situations that he simply cannot handle. He's not built for it. This was one of those situations. Which is what prompted him to throw the boot, that hit the dresser, that made the crash that woke me up.
"What was that?" I mumbled, sitting up in bed.
He knew better than to hang around. He wasn't expecting me to figure out what the noise was that woke me up. He didn't figure I would catch on. He figured I would just think I woke up on my own. So he threw the boot and then hightailed it back to the living room. I found him sitting on the couch, his fast breathing convincing me that I had put two and two together correctly.
"Good morning." I said suspiciously.
"The dog crapped in the floor." He said. Then he pointed. "Over there by the front door. Three or four places." Then he shuddered all over. "Wet...really....gross" Gag.
"You know," I said, "it must be nice to be a man and feel that you are above this kind of thing."
"Whatdya mean?" Looking all innnocent, peering at me over his coffee cup.
"I mean, I don't suppose you could have cleaned it up."
"Not my dog." A slurp from his cup for emphasis. Classic evasive maneuver.
"Elvis is nobody's dog...he's everybody's dog!"
Elvis is a good dog, but sometimes, well you know...stuff happens. He has lots of little tactics for waking someone up when nature calls and I just imagine he tried all of them. He tries me first. He sits by the bed and whines. But like I said, I was catching up on sleep.
When he can't wake me up, he goes in the living room where Jill sleeps on the couch and whines at her. When that doesn't work, he bounces around the room in a circle and if that doesn't wake her, he'll stand by the door and wag his tail, thump thump thump against the door frame. One of two things happened. Either she chose to ignore his distress call, or he simply didn't have time to go through the whole routine. Either way, the end result was the same. He got as close to outside as he could get.
I sighed and set about gathering necessary cleaning supplies.
"I think it's really pathetic that you had to wake me up for this."
"I couldn't stand the stink. As it is I almost stepped in it...I saw it at the last minute and had to jump like a deer to avoid it...I think I pulled something."
"You DID pull something with that little boot tactic. Why didn't you just tell me?"
Translation; After all these years I shouldn't have to explain to you that I am not capable of admitting that I have weaknesses, it's easier to throw a boot.
I know this about him, but I was cranky so I pressed him.
"You are a sad, sad man."
"Okay, next time I'll clean it up...and then I'll throw a boot to wake you up to clean up the vomit."
I had to laugh at him. I suddenly had flashbacks of being awakened by sudden strange crashes and finding a dirty diaper or a kid with a snotty nose waiting for me, or a...
"Jake yakked in the bathroom floor...."
....and an innocent looking husband who had no idea what that loud noise was, but it was a dam fine coincidence that I woke up just when I was needed.
This is the same man who can cut open and gut any kind of animal and not think twice about it, but put him in the same room with a puking kid and he will break down a door to escape.
I understand this about him. What I don't understand is his inability to admit this weakness unless pushed into a corner. I guess it's man thing, and as long as there are kids and dogs in the house I can look forward to being awakened by sudden loud strange noises.