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April 2nd’s Sadness
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Fern(Mi)    Posted 04-02-2004 at 03:47:34       [Reply]  [No Email]

A Saturday Morning, Daffodils up, yellow blossoms promise warmer sunny Summer days ahead. A beautiful day had dawned. House quiet I bowled some Cheerio’s`n‘Milk. Poured and took coffee outside to tidy Dad’s shop, while family slept. I notice Mom’s car was gone? Bakery maybe? Who knows? Seams, I’m up second. Who’s going to be third? For a lazy Saturday. Hardly normal, but it was a late night last night with Dad under the bottled-weather. Shop swept, Brother’s showing up when I’m done. Even back then, it was a job well done timing thing. He’s had his lazy b4reakfast favorite also. Dad’s going to be the last this morning. And, where’s mom?
Bro goes to work on either a Whizzer motorbike or a Vespa motor-scooter or both, using them to deliver newspapers. I continue straightening up the shop’s workbench. Screws to screws, nails to nails, empty cup to where the coffee is. That meant the pot as in the house.
On entry the house was still quiet. Dad should have been up by now. I poured the coffee leaving the cup sit on the counter while I checked on Dad. ”Dad!” I hollered out. Calling his name a couple more times into the dining area. Beyond I see his feet, “Dad!” I inquired, seeing jello spilled all over the floor, his probably haven raided the refrigerator, no cook for himself. “What? Take a tumble?” I asked, coming to standing over him, to offer a hand up.
Only, there was no need. There’d never be another hand up. He wouldn’t be getting up again. He laid awkwardly slumped against the mid-hall wall a hunting rifle oddly askew across his lap. The jello on the floor was not jello after all. It was his own life’s extract he had spilled all over the floor. Already knowing it was useless I knelt beside him looking for a pulse. His wrist, neck, chest offered nothing.
Sitting beside him, his spirit gone, the stillness was hollow. So hopelessly deafening I could hear my own heart beat. Where was Mom? What do I tell her? Oh Lord, what do I tell her? I sobbed and knew what I had to do. Dad beyond help I found the phone, an instrument more easily found clear eyed any other day. Making the inevitable call I went out and set on the front porch. The police were quick coming, our family doctor, the Chief of police, the coroner our family Doctor, and in the excitement I lost touch with reality my mind drifted into shock. Bro wanted to know what was going on.? Who are these people? What are these people…?
And in the commotion good old Miss Murphy, an Irish lass aged and true took over and dealt with all the questioning busybodies of the neighborhood. She should have been a U.S. Marine drill Sergeant, Sergeant at arms, the secret service. None of them ever succeeded in getting close to either my brother or myself.
Everyone knowing the tragedy offered condolences on leaving the police chief leaving last. “Where’s your mother?” he had asked. “Have her call me as soon as she returns home.” His request. “I shall need to talk to her.” He plead. All this time us boys lost n a world of disbelief. What had we done wrong? What might we have done to have saved him? Why hadn’t I stayed in the house? Where was mom? What am I going to say?”
Dad had always said, ”Heaven and Hell were right here on Earth!” Was this some of that Hell Dad spoke of? That was forty-sis years ago today and it still hurts. I can still see the red. The same red I would see again when another man would die.
The hurt gets easier, though it never really goes away. He was my best of all teachers, a mentor, this boy’s best buddy. And, his passing the way he had left, hurt me deeply. It would take somewhere around five years to forgive him his leaving me and my mom.

DD    Posted 04-02-2004 at 19:43:16       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fern and everyone else who has lost someone they cared about, I'm So Sorry that this happened to you. I often wonder why those who make these kinds of decisions don't stop for just a second to think how it will affect the ones who are left behind. How it can destroy not only their life but the lives of everyone else who loved them too. My Moms Favorite Brother committed suicide in his car at the cemetery one night. My GrandMother blamed herself because she had went to a Revival at church that nite and always felt that if she had of been there for him to talk to he wouldn't have done it. He might not have that nite, but he would have if he had already made up his mind to. My Prayers are for the healing balm of God to touch your hearts.

jfky    Posted 04-02-2004 at 18:18:11       [Reply]  [No Email]
so sorry to hear about that. No one can walk inside the mind of someone who is contemplating or tried suicide. There mental relexes go away and all they see is the end of the tunnel. My dads neighbor committed suicide last year and his son found him. Un believable. And nobody can say that would never happen to me we all are capable

BOSS    Posted 04-02-2004 at 16:18:53       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sorry to hear, but the good in it is... "He was my best of all teachers, a mentor, this boy’s best buddy."

That is something I never had in a father.

It is good that the years you did share were great ones.

KellyGa    Posted 04-02-2004 at 15:22:57       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fern, what is left to say, it has been said, but I feel for you. Things parents do when you are a child stay with you a long long time. Maybe they never leave. You learn to live with it. You have my sympathy. I have had death visit my close family twice, Ians grandpa, and my best friend in the whole world, my MIL, was taken from me in the night, very unexpectedly. I can't imagine what you went through finding your father like that. Hurt, anger, sadness, words just don't do it. I hope tomorrow is less depressing for you...take care dear friend.

Patria    Posted 04-02-2004 at 12:56:08       [Reply]  [No Email]
Just a big warm HUG for you, Fern..

Stormie    Posted 04-02-2004 at 10:15:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you went through.


toolman    Posted 04-02-2004 at 09:47:02       [Reply]  [No Email]
i don,t really know what to say fern, after all these years , and your still very much bothered by it , im not sure time will ever ease what you went through, i lost my mom a few years ago my mil next then my dad and then my fil, one right after the other but from natural causes, and it took a terrible toll on me, to find what you did they way you did must of been very hard, you must be a pretty strong person to carry this around with you, willy i say the same for you to find your dad that way probably would of did me in, and lenore im so glad that God saved you, God Bless you all three.

LH    Posted 04-02-2004 at 09:36:24       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fern I am sorry for your loss and the scars it has left upon you

Willy-N    Posted 04-02-2004 at 07:03:38       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fern I know what you went thru! As April 19 comes along I remember my Fathers death. I was 11 at the time and remember it well. When I left for school my Father gave me a Nickle and hugged me and told me to be good. It was a different good by that morning. When I cam home from school that day I heard the car running in the back yard. I went out to see what was going on and my Father was inside it looking like he was asleep. He was not asleep. He had put the exsaust inside to end his life of pain from a accident he had got into several years befor. I forgave him for what he had done but I missed a large part of my childhood after that day. Many times after that day when I did things you wanted to show your Dad or problems you needed to talk to him about he was only there in memorys. I learned to look up to other Men figures in my town to learn the things I needed to know. I was lucky that in that time you could still do that. I will never forget that day in my life and it was hard to deal with. Over the years I understood better why he did what he did but as a child it was confusing. Life will throw things at you that you have to deal with and some of them will be hard to understand but we must deal with them and go on. There is a reason for time healing things so you can go on with your life. I still talk to my Father and respect him. It must have been hard for him to do that and he had his reasons. My Mother told me later that Social Security is what made it possible for her to raise the 4 children along with her working and this was one of the reasons he did what he did. You see he could not work anymore and needed to pervide for his family and this was a way out. Mark H.

~Lenore    Posted 04-02-2004 at 07:36:00       [Reply]  [No Email]
My boy was 13 when I decided to kill myself.
He and his sister were arguing and fighting.
I was going through a divorce and I was at the end of my rope.
I went into my room with a plan.
I had a gun and a bottle of Nembutals and a glass of water.
I took a shower and put on a fresh nightgown and laid in the bed listening to the two fussing in the other room.
As I laid there deciding which method to use to end it all,
I (an avowed athiest) started to cry and for the first time in over 14 years called out to God?
"If you are there if you are real, I need help" I cried.
Strange as it may sound, I began to think of what it would do to my children if I killed myself.
I suddenly began to think of them instead of my misery.
I also had a peaceful feeling come over me and somehow I realized there was a God and He had somehow reached me.

Reading your experiences, makes me so thankful that I did not kill myself that day. I survived the hard times and my children have, too. I do not know how they would have handled my suicide; I am glad they did not have to.

Willy-N    Posted 04-02-2004 at 07:58:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
I learned a lot from my experance. The things is life that realy matter is your Family not what you have in material things. That is one of the reasons I slowed down and quit my Contracting to spend more time together. Life is so short that I wanted to make sure I spent most of it being together. The other things will fall into place one way or another. I am glad your decision was the right one! Life after that was real hard on my Mother she had to work full time at low pay to raise us 4 kids and she never re-married. The day she died she said time to see Dad again and I told her to say hi for me and you sure did a good job raising me I will be OK! I gave her a big hug and a kiss good by. That was another tough day in my life. Mark H.

Alias    Posted 04-02-2004 at 06:04:30       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fern, I don't know what to tell you. For, you've heard it all before. Except to say that I know the pain. My father died 17 years ago of natural causes. He was 83. Three years later, my mother passed away at age 86. When they were no longer around, I knew I had lost the best friends I'd ever have. But, I find soltice in remembering the happy times. I'm sure you, too, have many happy memories of your father. And, I would but recommend that you dwell on those happy memories and try, as best you can, to put aside the unhappy ones........gfp

TO35    Posted 04-02-2004 at 05:25:41       [Reply]  [No Email]
I can somewhat relate to you Fern, My oldest Daughter took her life on sept 22 2003 she was 22,the hurt and pain is sharp as ever and knowing me it will never go away. I can tell by tour words that the hurt is still sharp for you too. Everyone tells me that those things happen for a reason...I still have a really hard time with it..

I wish I could ease your pain but I can only share your pain friend...

Wisereader    Posted 04-02-2004 at 05:17:31       [Reply]  [No Email]
I, too, offer my belated condolences. Thank you, however, for letting us into a very private part of yourself. I hope in some way all of us can take some of this weight from you.

E. G. HENDRICKSON    Posted 04-02-2004 at 05:13:56       [Reply]  [Send Email]

Salmoneye    Posted 04-02-2004 at 05:05:45       [Reply]  [No Email]
Belated condolences...

Donna from Mo    Posted 04-02-2004 at 04:11:01       [Reply]  [No Email]
How old were you and your brother? That is so sad; I can't even imagine the pain it must have dealt you. Something like that colors the way we see things for the rest of our lives.

Les    Posted 04-02-2004 at 03:55:52       [Reply]  [No Email]
I can't even imagine that kind of a hurt. Good on your head, Fern.

SusieQ    Posted 04-02-2004 at 04:47:37       [Reply]  [No Email]
So sorry that thru all the years, this hurt is still there, and questions of "What If" . Accept it, move forth, it does become easier as the time goes by...Brothers and Sisters are so dear to us.

jeanette    Posted 04-02-2004 at 05:45:04       [Reply]  [No Email]
fern i lost my dad 19yrs ago on july 3rd will never every forget that day. i still miss him.

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