Posted 04-05-2004 at 06:38:33
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If you are from any of the northern states and planning on visiting or
moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will
help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the Rust Belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
In the South:
--If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they
--Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.... do not buy food at this store.
--Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's
is plural possessive.
--Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
--Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into
a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "bigol'," as in
"bigol' truck" or "bigol' boy." Most Northerners begin their
Southern-influenced dialects this way. All of them are in denial about it.
--Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.
--If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
--If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You
just have to go there.
--Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
--In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.