Posted 04-23-2004 at 07:53:45
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I got this on another list. It sounded good
to me. So, I'm passing it on.
Read it the way it's written, Thanks.
OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand
no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retros*xual movement.
A Retros*xual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE D*MN
A Retros*xual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that
term only because they are female.
A Retros*xual DEALS with *****. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retros*xual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retros*xual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you.
A Retros*xual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retros*xuals need an
end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retros*xual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
A Retros*xual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "dealing with *****" portion of The
A Retros*xual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retros*xual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
A Retros*xual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little p*ss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.
A Retros*xual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When
you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retros*xual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retros*xual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retros*xual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
A Retros*xual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retros*xual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retros*xual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just d*mned fun to shoot.
There are very few reason that a retros*xual may cry, and none of them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retros*xual can
include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet
( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A retros*xual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones
may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in
his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather
trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging
Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas,
Reservoir Dogs, or Fight Club., Oh, & any Movie with
the “Duke” in it along with the Tom Selleck Westerns.
Retros*xual Men like Country music, Toby Keith, Alan Jackson,
Montgomery Gentry, Willie, Waylon, & All those Old Boys…………
’Specially the Patriotic ones.
When a retros*xual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retros*xual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A retros*xual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
And, HOW to Salute the FLAG.
A retros*xual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, car maintenance.
A retros*xual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
A Retros*xual can cook-up what he wants to eat,
when he needs to.
A Retros*xual man can drive in snow (h*ll, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph.
A retros*xual man can chop or saw down a tree and make it land where
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A retros*xual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers below 1st LT.)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but
the retros*xual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.
A retros*xual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.
A retros*xual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
All I can say is "Yup!"