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Retros*xual
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Old John    Posted 04-23-2004 at 07:53:45       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Hi All,
I got this on another list. It sounded good
to me. So, I'm passing it on.
Read it the way it's written, Thanks.

-----Original Message-----

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand
no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!"

I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retros*xual movement.

The Code.......

A Retros*xual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE D*MN
DATE.

A Retros*xual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that
term only because they are female.

A Retros*xual DEALS with *****. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retros*xual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retros*xual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you.

A Retros*xual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retros*xuals need an
end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retros*xual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.

A Retros*xual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "dealing with *****" portion of The
Code.

A Retros*xual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retros*xual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retros*xual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little p*ss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.

A Retros*xual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When
you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retros*xual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retros*xual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retros*xual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.

A Retros*xual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retros*xual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retros*xual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just d*mned fun to shoot.

Crying...........

There are very few reason that a retros*xual may cry, and none of them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retros*xual can
cry
include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet
( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A retros*xual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones
may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in
his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather
trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging
Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas,
Reservoir Dogs, or Fight Club., Oh, & any Movie with
the “Duke” in it along with the Tom Selleck Westerns.

Retros*xual Men like Country music, Toby Keith, Alan Jackson,
Montgomery Gentry, Willie, Waylon, & All those Old Boys…………
’Specially the Patriotic ones.

When a retros*xual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retros*xual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A retros*xual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
And, HOW to Salute the FLAG.

A retros*xual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, car maintenance.

A retros*xual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
utensils.

A Retros*xual can cook-up what he wants to eat,
when he needs to.

A Retros*xual man can drive in snow (h*ll, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph.

A retros*xual man can chop or saw down a tree and make it land where
he wants.
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.

A retros*xual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers below 1st LT.)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but
the retros*xual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.

A retros*xual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.

A retros*xual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

H*LL YEAH!

All I can say is "Yup!"

'Til later..........
Old John


Alias    Posted 04-23-2004 at 15:24:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
John, I go along with every thing you say. Except, Couldn't we find a better word to describe us rather than Retros*xual? You see, there's something about retro that suggest something in the past or in the rear. And, I got to tell you, Old John, It's that "In the rear" that has me bothered. Because, I'm an up-front, straight out kind of guy. ......gfp


Hey Alias...    Posted 04-23-2004 at 15:29:26       [Reply]  [No Email]
Here's just the thing for that rear area I'm thinkin....

Clipper: not retro yet...


Ron,ar    Posted 04-23-2004 at 20:35:23       [Reply]  [No Email]
man Clipper, you sure surf some strange sites, some of the things on that page makes old sailors blush, and I know a thing or two about old sailors:^)


donna in w.v    Posted 04-23-2004 at 13:41:53       [Reply]  [Send Email]
may I say that there are very few "real men" left and as a woman I'll guess we have to take a good lot of the blame for it. My boys did all the hunting and man stuff from an early age but only because my husband insisted on it and now I'm truly glad he did but at the time i feared they'd get hurt or something and i wonder how many boys don't learn that stuff cuz mamma won the arguement.


DD    Posted 04-23-2004 at 14:21:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
All I'm gonna say about that is: Sometimes their "Father" runs off and decides his drugs are more important to him and then it's left up to MaMa to teach those boys those things. It's hard, but it can be done. Just seems to me like it would be much easier with a role model to go by for a youngun.


DD    Posted 04-23-2004 at 11:00:43       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks for sharing this Old John, I always thought if a Man offered his seat (no matter where it happened to be) to a Lady or an Elder or to Military Personnell(sp) it just showed he was a Gentleman and showed he had been "brought up" and not just "grown up". In other words, he had been taught Manners. Same as saying Ma'am and Sir, Please and Thank-You, taking off your hat before you sit down to eat. It does my heart good to see young folks do these things, whether they are male or female, and to continue doing them for the rest of their lives and passing those Manners on down to their own children also : ) There ARE still a few of us around who do that.


Joe Dirt    Posted 04-23-2004 at 10:59:54       [Reply]  [No Email]
by God, I pretty much got it covered. except that,"A Retros*xual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie."

Ties? not in my wardrobe...am I allowed to call it a wardrobe? Wranglers, Fruit of the loom and workshoes... makes me a redneck retros*xaul? I do have a pair of black workshoes for special occasions...


Clipper    Posted 04-23-2004 at 08:38:35       [Reply]  [No Email]
Been doing all that my whole adult life....I just prefer the term "man" in application to meself :^)


Ron,ar    Posted 04-23-2004 at 08:30:22       [Reply]  [No Email]
Amen brother John on that, I thought all that came with being a man but have been proved wrong by the "wusses" you refer to:^)
Additions- a retrose*ual man also owns at least one hat that nobody likes.
A retrosa*ual man doesnt stop and ask directions, wherever he is is where he intended to go


Pitch    Posted 04-23-2004 at 16:10:42       [Reply]  [No Email]
The direction part is true, when we travel I drive the missus nuts cause I just head in the general direction and I figure I'll pin it down when I get within 60 or 70 miles. The gitten there is half the fun of the trip.


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