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Raising parents...what do you think?
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Tom    Posted 03-13-2002 at 07:32:57       [Reply]  [No Email]
Ok, like to hear y'alls opinion on this one.

My in-laws came up this weekend to tell us they were selling their house (recently paid off) and moving into a senior-living apartment. He recently had a triple by-pass operation, and is acting like life is over and they need to move somewhere quick. He has always been a couch potato, so apartment or house is all the same to him. Mother-in-law is an outside kind of lady--likes to play in the dirt and plant stuff. Was totally unhappy when they lived in military quarters and also in a townhouse. They do not communicate with each other very well at all, and haven't in the 30 years I have known them.

They did something similar years ago when they sold a beautiful house for a townhouse; moved out a few years later cause she was hard to live with she was so unhappy. Grandpa says "I didn't know you didn't want to move...I did it for you." Wound up losing their shirts in the transactions.

They are not old--early 70s. His family is short-lived, but her mother is still living and healthy well into her 90s.

Wife and I are pretty sure they're making the same mistake again. She senses her Mom doesn't want to go, but is getting bull-dozed by Father. I believe father is a great guy, but a) too impetuous and b) doesn't listen well. He said he is planning to sign a lease very soon.

So: Do we sit quiet and watch them foul up again (it's their lives; they're the parents; none of our business...) or give them/him a call and say " don't you think you should think this through a little?" or something else?


Erich    Posted 03-13-2002 at 11:15:52       [Reply]  [No Email]
This is a bit of possibly relevant trivia. Following heart operations, including bypasses, depression is a frequent, but not frequently talked about side effect. If it is possible to get him to just delay the decision, his outlook may change entirely in a few months.

Ole Cuss    Posted 03-13-2002 at 12:02:17       [Reply]  [No Email]

A very apt and very true insight regarding the post-cardiac surgery psychological effects; good call, Erich.

Jim (Mi)    Posted 03-13-2002 at 09:57:57       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Hope you and wife are great. Something like this could turn ugly with her parents pointing out all your faults. Me and my sister are still trying to combine forces to tell our dad he is way to overbearing of our mom. We are leaving our significant others out. Good Luck.

Hogman    Posted 03-13-2002 at 09:21:29       [Reply]  [No Email]
Tom thats a realy rough call,I've alwas stayed out of My Kids way and They KNOW better than to get in mine.
If He likes to set and She likes to putter seems to Me They could get along anywhere theres a sofa and a garden plot. So to that extent I'd talk to Her about layin down tha law.

Wonderful lady that lived here,in Her early 80's,loved Her flowers and garden,might say They were Her whole life. Daughter lives up north,worried about tha "old Lady" fallin,gettin sick etc. Railroaded Her into sellin out and movin up close to Them. Big house with fancy swimmin pool but no garden.
She waited till Daughter went on vacation,called a topsoil outfit,filled that fancy pool with said topsoil and when Daughter screamed about de-valuation of tha property sweet(and She is) little ola lady told Her just how tha cat et tha cabbage. Now She has Her garden space,Daughter has cooled down I guess and life goes on.

I only bring this up to prove a lady who likes ta garden is a force to be recond with. Again, if He won't listen work on Her.
Now could it be He feels a little shame for bein a setbottom staid of doin things outside that most of Us MANLY types are forced ta do? Figurin a cliff dwellin removes the stigma? Cowboy J what do You think?

Sammie    Posted 03-13-2002 at 09:17:10       [Reply]  [Send Email]
I'm afraid that if it were me, I'd say something. If they have paid off their place, it has to be a financial load off of their shoulders after all of those years and they probably have it fixed up just about how they like it.

You know, it's funny how people see life. My uncle was a workacholic ALL of his life - right up til he had a heart attack. From that time on, he decided that fishing was the greatest thing life could offer and helping people was the next in line but VISITING!! He even made friends in nursing homes but trying to get him to work was like pulling eyeteeth cuz that wasn't living. That heart attack set him free and my aunt just loved it.

If he is afraid of passing away and leaving your mother-in-law with a burden of the house to take care of, why don't you point out to him that she should be able to decide what she wants and can always sell it later if she can't handle it.

Sounds to me like he needs a change - of attitude. Surviving means he has more time and being not really that old, he has time to enjoy that time and maybe now the money to do some of the things he has always wanted.

I think "if it were me" I'd talk to Mom first and see if I could get her to talk. Then have a nice dinner and feel out the situation alittle more before they sell their lifetime home.

bob    Posted 03-13-2002 at 10:58:29       [Reply]  [No Email]
have a brotherb in n law in same problem. retired early last year ONLY HE WAS IN GOOD HEALTH he won,t do anything around house as he has worked his share ha he sets their and watches tv or strumms guitar and is getting so bored that he is real hard to get along with Thinks sell house also and move to warmer place Wife doesn.t want to move yet feel for them . I will move when something happens to my mother maybe or stay to spoil grandkids wife and i agree

Sammie    Posted 03-14-2002 at 07:55:53       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Oh, my dear Uncle Jim NEVER got bored!! He was always moving, just like before the heart attack, it's just that the kinds of things he was doing were different. He still got around and fixed the problems with the rentals but it took him all day to fix the sink cuz he spent most of his time visiting and getting to know people and enjoying their company instead of working 7 days a week and double shifts on weekends at the sawmill making money and not being able to talk to anyone cuz of the noise. I have wonderful memories of my Uncle Jim but most are after the heart attack because we never saw him before. He was working or sleeping or getting ready to do one or the other. It was like he woke up to what was important and it wasn't money on the top of his list anymore. He had his pension which was quite enough and Uncle Jim was the first one there to help anyone but he made the most of his time he had left. He never sat down, always moving.

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