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The Brood
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Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 09:53:55       [Reply]  [No Email]
The one accomplishment that has escaped me for the four years I have lived on this farm, was the ability to bring forth chicks. To have them born here, and not bring them here in a box from the post office. There is something very romantic about the way a hen raises her chicks. She stays with the eggs from the moment they are layed and leaves the nest for nothing. Not food, or water, or anything else for the twenty-eight days it takes for them to hatch. Her personal needs are set aside for the good of her brood. That's dedication and commitment. That's pure unselfishness. I wanted to see this miracle first hand, with my own eyes. To see little chicks scattered around a mother hen, in my yard. It was my goal, and it would have been my shining moment.

It doesn't seem like much of a goal, and for everyone else raising chicks appears to be easy. But for me it was like a thorn under my skin. A glaring flaw. What was I doing wrong? Why was this so hard for me? No matter how I tried to provide the right environment to accomplish this... I failed. I tried an incubator and failed. I tried penning the hens up and they just got pissed off at me and broke all the eggs. I tried buying fertilized eggs and they spoiled. It was clearly an obsession, this desire to raise my own chicks.

I noticed several weeks ago that the banty hen that Jake caught for me after the rooster wars had gone missing. I was not surprised. I suspected that she went back where she came from, or was taken by a dog. Everything else in my life is such a mess right now that the disapperance of the little hen was just another detail. Another punch in the stomach. It was stupid of me to set this goal for myself when other things were more important. But as I said before, my 'chicks goal' had become an obsession, and I had heard that banty hens are good setters and will hatch out not only their own chicks, but other eggs as well. Now my last hope was squashed.

I pulled into the yard at dusk on Sunday evening and parked. There was nothing that had happened over the course of the day to indicate that the Gods had decided to smile on me. In fact it was one of the worst days of my life relatively speaking. It was the day that Fred and I had decided finally to separate and I agreed to move out after months of arguing.

I noticed the llittle banty hen, first. I was somewhat relieved to see that she was still around and all right. The sun was only a tiny speck on the western horizen so I had to squint to make sure that it was really the little banty that I was seeing. It was then that I saw the eight little chicks that followed closely behind her. She had disappeared. But only to hatch out a clutch of eggs. I should have felt jubilation, a sense of accomplishment. I should have been elated. I wasn't. I sat in the truck, listening to the engine tick itself cool, and cried.

It seems that after all my efforts and interference, all I really needed to do was start out with the right equipment and let nature take it's course. I had been trying too hard. I was sad that it had taken so long to be fulfilled, this burning need to raise chicks. I was sad that it had happened now, now that it was too late to give me any real satisfaction.

I wouldn't get to watch her raise them. I wouldn't be there to see her shelter them under her wings when danger threatened. I wouldn't get to relive the raising of my own brood through this little hen, because after all, that had been my real goal.

I couldn't help finding the whole situation ironic, and being somewhat superstitious, I couldn't help thinking that someone was trying to tell me something. Why would this happen the exact day that my husband and I had decided that we were not longer meant to be together? That we have nothing common anymore and no longer loved each other.

Fred chose that moment to come outside. I quickly hid the fact that I had been crying.

"We have baby chicks!" I said, stupidly, like it was the answer to all our problems.

"I know. I saw them yesterday."

I gazed at him, wondering if he really didn't know what a special moment this was for me, if he really just didn't care; or if like me, he knew but was hiding his feelings. Did he see the irony? Hadn't I been telling him all along that I longed for just such an event to occur? Or had I kept this fact, along with a lot of other hopes and dreams and fears to myself, and was now blaming him for not being able to read my mind.

In order to answer these questions I would have to delve back into the previous twenty years and search my memory for snatches of conversations that had taken place so long ago that the words were now dead and useless. Instances where I bared my soul, assuming I did, and told him of all my hopes and dreams and belatedly try to actually gauge his reactions to those admissions. It seems an impossible task, and it occurs to me that like a belief in God, so much of our relationships have to be taken on faith. There's no way to 'prove' love exists, any more than there is a way to prove God exists. You just have to take it on faith that it's real and worthwhile, like my faith that one day I would have chicks that were born on my farm.

If there is a message here, it escapes me. If this is a guardian angel trying to send me a message that faith does have it's place, and is not wasted, I didn't get it. To me, it's just another twist of the knife, salt in the wound, another kick while I'm down. If I should be interpreting this event as some kind of sign that I'm making a mistake letting this relationship go, and that I've lost my faith... I'm not. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Only time will tell. The little banty? She'll raise her chicks whether or not I'm there to see it. Life will go on.

BW    Posted 07-22-2004 at 21:00:03       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sorry you are at a rough spot in life , Hope you both can work things out there has and always will be something that never changes between you two from the past that you both love in each other it's just remember it at times...
Some times it's hard to say that 4 letter word or see it in the doings of every day life it is there just but we all forget it from time to time .
Good Luck to you both ..May you find your dream, and it include fred and the family you both have started ..

Bill g.

mojo    Posted 07-22-2004 at 20:29:44       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sorry to hear, may God guide you.

Dieselrider    Posted 07-22-2004 at 18:26:12       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi, wow! I don't have any words other than my heart goes out to you. I am very sorry to hear the news. God bless you girl.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:35:32       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks DR. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason...

TB    Posted 07-22-2004 at 17:28:38       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi I been setting a good part of the day in disbelef. Hope that things work out for you.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:36:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sorry TB! I guess I should have eased up to this, but to be honest, it wasn't really real to me until today.

Red Dave    Posted 07-22-2004 at 17:23:14       [Reply]  [No Email]
Very sorry to hear the news Cindi. Went through it myself quite a few years ago so I know how much it hurts. I know it is hard to see how right now, but I promise you that, over time, the hurt will go away. It will take some time, but it will happen.

I hope and pray that you find your way through this and come out stronger and happier at the other end. I'll be rooting for you.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:39:16       [Reply]  [No Email]
If it wasn't for the girls, I don't think I could follow through. I won't be by myself, and neither will Fred. That will be helpful for both of us. Thanks Dave.

kellyb    Posted 07-22-2004 at 17:20:45       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Hi.. Cindi, I'm new here.. but not new to your
sit. Hang in there.. I've been down that road..
and not going down it anymore.. I've got 5 kids on
my own to raise.. you look back and see how
absolutely ridiculous a lifestyle is without
raising your children together as man and woman
jointly in every effort is beyond me.. I really
didn't say that very well but I think you get my
meaning.. I'll pray for you that's for

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:43:10       [Reply]  [No Email]
Two Kelly's now? Oh Lord. Do you have chickens too? (smile) Thank you Kelly and welcome, it's nice to meet you.

Five kids all by yourself? I could never! You're stronger than me!

kellyb    Posted 07-22-2004 at 20:21:11       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Yes.. I'm Kellyb in Indiana... I only keep
chickens while they're cute chicks (for my kids)
then they get shipped to "pappa's".. :) We keep
an assortment of animals here.. We're getting
ready for a move too.. not looking forward to it..
but know it is an inevitable...but am so fortunate
to have the family I

RichZ    Posted 07-22-2004 at 17:15:53       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Cindi, I'm sooo sorry!!! You know Karen and I each went thru this. We're here for you!!! If it's OK, we'll call you this weekend!!!

Please know that we both love you very much, you know how important you are to us!!!!


Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:45:27       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks Rich, I answered your e mail. I'm trying to hurry and get off here before Fred comes and starts reading over my shoulder. I don't know what/who his support system is, but I needed my fix before I went to bed.

Hugs. Yeah....course you can call me!

KellyGa    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:39:43       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi, what happened? Why are you and Fred splitting up? I was just there honey, I guess I didn't see it. :( I want you to know, even though our friendship up until recently has been only over the internet, meeting you, made our friendship that much more real to me, and I want to be there for you if you need someone to talk to. Maybe after Ian leaves for work tonight I can call you? I know you are a strong person, but it never hurts to vent, and I am a good listener. I love you girl! Keep your chin up.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:52:36       [Reply]  [No Email]
Fred's here so it's not easy to talk. Frankly it's not easy to talk when he's not here. Not yet. Still kind of tender.

It's a long story. Call me over the weekend. Anybody can call if they want. 863-781-2375.

Dave Smith    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:20:39       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Cindi, Im sorry to hear of you're problems. Everything will work out for you. You are too bright and hard working for it not to. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
How did the library job turn out?
Dave <*)))><

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:24:13       [Reply]  [No Email]
They stopped taking app's today, so I should hear something in the next couple of days. Thanks Dave. I'll try to let you know from work. I won't have a phone line right away and I'm planning on sleeping at the new house Saturday night, but maybe I'll hear something tomorrow.

donna in w.v    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:28:47       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Haven't been around much and just read your post and want you to know that I'll be praying for you. sometimes He has a way of taking your life in a direction you hadn't planned on. My mom had a very simply attitutude about life ,she says "remember God never gives you more than you can handle,but sometimes I wish he didn't have so much faith in me."Feel free to ping me anytime you feel like talking. You have alway brighten my day with your writing and I'd like to return the favor.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:16:28       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thank you Donna. I will. I am fine really, maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet, even though we've rented a house and started moving. I plan to stay busy.

Patria    Posted 07-22-2004 at 14:54:18       [Reply]  [No Email]

Somehow..    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:06:45       [Reply]  [No Email]
..oh well Cindi..I'm sorry.

I have a phone number you posted a long time ago..I guess I won't find you there.

[sorry for the stupid post up there]

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:14:10       [Reply]  [No Email]
Patria, my love, thank you.

This too shall pass.

I've got that email addy.

Les    Posted 07-22-2004 at 12:44:58       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi, I don't want to diminish your story at all but.....
I've never seen a hen that stayed with her eggs from the moment they were laid until they hatched. They usually lay one a day or so, until they have a "clutch" and then they set on them. While they are laying the clutch, they run around and pretty much act normal. They don't just sit there waiting for the next egg to happen. And they do get off while they are setting. My experience has been that they do it in the morning.
Also, chickens take three weeks to hatch, not 28 days. Ducks take 4 weeks, muscovies 5.
Sorry you lost them.

Les    Posted 07-22-2004 at 12:48:15       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi, you probably think I'm a cad. I didn't even read the whole thing before posting what I did above. I'm so sorry about your situation. Keep your chin up. Gimme a ping if that'll help.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:18:44       [Reply]  [No Email]
That's all right Les. I have been misinformed. I thought they went into some kind of hiberanation.

No harm done.

Burrhead    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:11:10       [Reply]  [No Email]
As ususal yer stickin yer big nose in before gettin the whole story BrudderLes.

Les    Posted 07-22-2004 at 14:23:23       [Reply]  [No Email]
When is the last time you ever apologized for anything? How does it feel not to know enough to suck alum and drool?

Burrhead    Posted 07-22-2004 at 14:48:11       [Reply]  [No Email]
Now now calm down BrudderLes. Even a 2 faced hypocrite like you knows it aint right the way you jumped on the lady over nothing.

BTW-- It's none of my business what you want to suck. However, I do commend you for coming out of the closet.

Melanie    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:14:47       [Reply]  [No Email]
Saying this nice, with a calm smile....
this might be the wrong thread to do this on. :)

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:09:21       [Reply]  [No Email]

You guys always make me smile! Dam it's good to get to know people. Thanks to Melanie and Burrhead and Les. You guys might as well be family the way ya'll bicker and pi$$ and moan, and then there's Melanie, the voice of reason. God I love this place.

Thanks ya'll!

Burrhead    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:28:02       [Reply]  [No Email]
I think yer right.

Melanie    Posted 07-22-2004 at 17:36:35       [Reply]  [No Email]
Here's a big hug, Burrhead... thanks for not knocking my block off. ;)
And, Miss C... said my say elsewhere... you just remember, you find yourself up here anytime, we'll go paint the town bright red. :)

Burrhead    Posted 07-22-2004 at 20:51:53       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks I love hugs and I would'nt snap at you Melanie.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:20:34       [Reply]  [No Email]
Don't be too hard on him. He's trying to keep me honest. In a minute he'll come back and tell me I misspelled hibernation. Lol! That's Les. (smile)

Burrhead    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:37:18       [Reply]  [No Email]
Okay, but just for you.

My heart goes out to you Cindi.

I hope after a very very brief cool down period you and Fred can both get back to the common ground of the love you have known for each other.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:12:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks burrhead. Me thinks they calls you burr head for a reason. Lol! Thanks for the encouragement. I've officially adopted you and Les as my crotchety older brohters. LMAO!

deadcarp- it's a sign kid    Posted 07-22-2004 at 12:08:31       [Reply]  [No Email]
You said it yourself: She'll raise her chicks and life will go on. It's your first indication that life is even more than a choice of partners. In reading your posts and stories, i'm sure you already knew that but when sh1t happens, a reminder doesn't hurt. Hug for you kid - lotsa furrows yet to plow before sunset and there's a day coming when you can smile again. One day at a time. :)

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:24:04       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks DC.

I've been dojng pretty good keeping my lower lip off the floor. There are some tough times, and who knows how it will all turn out. I think he's a little shocked right now that there is actually furniture going out the door. We're almost completely moved out, the girls and I. I don't think he had any idea that I would follow through. There are a lot of adjustments coming up.

Steve from TN    Posted 07-22-2004 at 11:10:05       [Reply]  [No Email]
I am sorry.

Alias    Posted 07-22-2004 at 10:50:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
Aw Cindi, This is hurtful. Lord above, You're in pain and I'm paining with you. Can't anything be done to releive this situation? I'd like our bright and cheerful Cindi back.

I'll be praying especially hard for you.....gfp

~Lenore    Posted 07-22-2004 at 10:05:32       [Reply]  [No Email]
Say it isn't so, Cindi.
I am so sorry;
I hope your story will have a happy ending.
This is such a shock.....
....I dont know what to say.
Words are not sufficient.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 11:11:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
I'm sorry too. To dump this on you guys. I said long ago that my writing was just a reflection of my life. If I don't share the good with the bad then it's like a map with no legend.

I can hang in there if you can. (smile)

Everything happens for a reason.

~Lenore    Posted 07-22-2004 at 12:04:47       [Reply]  [No Email]
How are your kids doing?

My kids were relieved when my ex and I seperated. He was as difficult for them to live with as it was for me. They love him a lot better living apart from him.

I hope things work out for y'all Cindi. What is going to happen to all the animals and pets and kids??
I am sorry, I know it is not really my business,
but since you have been here sharing with us all this time, I feel like I know you and them.

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 13:28:48       [Reply]  [No Email]
No problem Lenore. The girls are coming with me, the animals are staying here except for maybe a few chickens and a couple goats. I'll take Elvis and Jenny's taking her new kitten. Jake wants to stay with his dad. However, we are only going to be living a quarter mile apart, so anybody can see anybody whenever they want to.

The girls are ecstatic. Jake seems rather puzzled but not really unhappy at the thought of having the whole house/living room/kitchen/bathroom/ FRIDGE (smile) to himself. Fred is just Fred. Convinced he has all the answers and doesn't even really know the questions.

RickyB    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:55:52       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindy take care of yourself.ya know how to get hold of me if ya want to chat

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:21:58       [Reply]  [No Email]
Ricky, yes I do, and thank you again.

Maggie, one thing about Fred is he'll feed the animals before he feeds himself, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him wind up in hospital trying to do it all on his own. But that's Fred, he's that dammed stubborn.

Pitch...sorry about that. I didn't mean to spring it on you. I'm glad you mentioned the computer though. I will be bringing it with me, but I won't have a phone line right away, so I may be out of touch for a week or two.

~Lenore    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:32:30       [Reply]  [No Email]
Speaking of computers, our library has some we can use.
Speaking of libraries, today is the 22nd.
Have you heard whether you got the job?

Cindi    Posted 07-22-2004 at 19:48:11       [Reply]  [No Email]
Nope..I'm going to call tomorrow though. I'll let you know for sure.

Maggie/TX    Posted 07-22-2004 at 15:18:36       [Reply]  [No Email]
Cindi I am so sorry!

And you do mean to tell me that Fred thinks he and Jake can really take care of all the animals themselves? Those poor animals.

Pitch    Posted 07-22-2004 at 16:04:54       [Reply]  [No Email]
Holy Crap Cindi! You just knocked me over. Good Luck with every thing and make sure the computer goes with you.

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