Posted 08-22-2004 at 20:38:30
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VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM
> >First, you must learn to pronounce the city name.
> >It s "Bur/min/ham".
> >Driving Information:
> >Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic rules...
> >1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The
> >truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired
> >ladies driving
> >anything have right-of-way anytime.)
> >2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where
> >Malfunction Junction is...which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning
> >and the end. It is one of only two "cloverleaf" formation
> >interchanges in the
> >world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to
> >it again - Atlanta - making them dumber than we are.
> >3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour
> >from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the
> >term "merging delays" is ever used by the person reporting the
> >traffic, even in
> >passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30
> >late regardless of where you are in your commute.
> >4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very
> >rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and
> >female drivers alike.
> >5. You must know that "I-459", "I-59", "I-20", and "I-65" are the
> >same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to
> >confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern
> >6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before
> >you get on any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race
> >weekend, stay
> >home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere else.
> >7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham. The barrels are
> >moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's
> >driving a bit more
> >8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
> >barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of
> >other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and
> >crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
> >9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
> >shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
> >10. The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see item 5 above) is 85
> >Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama's State
> >Highway Sponsored version of NASCAR. Especially during rush hour (see
> >item 3
> >when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper to
> >bumper. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65
> >zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped a
> >11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is
> >applying make up, talking on a cellphone, drinking a Diet Coke,
> >smoking a Marlboro, and
> >maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If
> >she is
> >coming from North of Burmin'ham she might be packing. If she is
> >South of Burmin'ham she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
> >Weather Information:
> >1. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend
> >2. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out,
> >Burmin'ham residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be
> >all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with
> >caution, as you could be their next target.
> >Seasonal Information:
> >1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
> >2. If you need to let the car "get some air" standing next to it with
> >the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body
> >inside to crank
> >it and get the air going, it is Summer.
> >3. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it
> >4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is
> >General Information:
> >1. Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it
> >is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and
> >will erupt in a
> >brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave
> >"Free Bird". This is especially true if alcohol is present. (Notice I
> >didn't say "sold at this event" but present.)
> >2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that
> >funny to us anymore.
> >3. If you ask someone for a "coke", they will immediately ask you
> >"what kind"? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want:
> >Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer-it's all "coke".
> >4. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason
> >Line and are in the North.