Posted 10-19-2004 at 04:23:17
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I took Jake and his girlfriend to the movies Saturday night. She showed up for the 'supervised date' dressed in pink from head to toe. Pink pony-tail holder, pink t-shirt, pink jeans and pink sneakers. Looked like she fell out of a Pepto Bismol bottle. Jake acted like pink was his favorite color and couldn't take his eyes off her.(Cute.)
Jake is close to six feet tall, and about a hundred and seventy pounds. She's a dinky little thing...maybe four and a half feet tall, ninety pounds soaking wet...he pretty much towered over her. He took her hand as he helped her into the truck, it looked like a delicate white orchid resting in a baseball glove. She was very quiet for the most part. All I was able to get out of her for the first hour, was "yes ma'am's and no ma'am's". "Ma'am" sounding a lot like "may-am".
"Would you like a piece of pizza, honey?"
"No may-am, but thannnnk yeee-oooooo."
They held hands, shared a rootbeer float, Jake grinned a lot. It was a very nice date even though I tore Jake's butt up at air hockey in the arcade, and even though they ditched me in the movie theatre and went to watch some high school football movie. It was when Jake started bugging me for a cell phone for the umpteenth time on the trip home that little missy went to work, and the cost of the date seemed a bargain at the least.
"C'mon Mom, I promise I won't go over my minutes..." And on and on and on. I let my mind go numb. We'd had this argument before and out of self defense I just let it all go in one ear and out the other. All I heard was "blah...blah...blah..."
But then I heard something new. "Yip...yip...yip!"
What the hell is that?
I yanked myself back to the real world to find little missy perched on the edge of the pickup seat, wagging her finger in Jake's face.
"Jake, you need to listen to your Mama....Jake she said no....Jake you're only fifteen, if yer mama says you cain't have a cell phone then you cain't have a cell phone...Jake stop playing with that air conditioner vent, and look at me!"
Oh HELL no. The child had turned into a pink chihuahua right before my very eyes. I was engaged in a heated argument with Jake and never even opened my mouth - little pink lady had my back.
All the way home it was "blah...blah...blah...yip...yip!"
"And by the way, yer hands are feel-thy. Look at yer nay-ulls! There's enough dirt under there to plant turn-ups!"
I had to squelch an insane desire to laugh hysterically as I watched Jake get smaller by the minute.
"Well, I...no...you...well I washed them before I left the house! Twice!" He insisted.
"Have you never heard of a nay-ull brush! Tsk. Look at thay-at!"
Before he knew what was happening, the tiny pink chihuahua had switched tracks on him and cell phones were no longer an issue, as he was too busy defending his hygeine habits. Smooth. Very smooth.
I didn't have to do a thing but sit there and giggle. We pulled up in front of her house to drop her off and, knowing a good thing when I see it, I didn't let her get out until I arranged for a date for next Saturday night.