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Need some funnys
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mud    Posted 11-15-2004 at 06:20:13       [Reply]  [No Email]
hello folks-
good friend is in a bad way. poor ticker. goes in to the sawbone next week. in the meantime i'm hunting down a few jokes, and some good quotes to drop on him when i visit there.

you will be doing a good turn to share some. i sure would like to get this guy to smile again. he is real down.

take care-


deadcarp-one more    Posted 11-15-2004 at 16:14:00       [Reply]  [No Email]
one day the 1st grade teacher was telling her class the story of chicken little and came to the part where chicken little warned the farmer "the sky is falling!" she then asked the class, what do you think the farmer said? one little girl raised her hand and said, " i think he said- 'holy sh!t - a talking chicken!'" the teacher was unable to teach for the next few minutes. :)

Lazy Al from Mi    Posted 11-15-2004 at 12:05:17       [Reply]  [No Email]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of, to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation,
threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed....then, suddenly,
the was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's ourstretched arms, and said "I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful
for the inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct
my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the
parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did??"


~Lenore    Posted 11-15-2004 at 10:39:54       [Reply]  [No Email]
When my little nephew Luke 5, was in pre-kindergarten his teacher passed out pictures of a bear for them to color. As the children were busy coloring their bear, the teacher walked around the class commenting on how well they were doing.

When she got to Luke, startled she asked, "Luke, you haven't colored your bear? Why?"

Luke replied, "OH I dont have to".

"You dont, but it is your assignment, Luke?"

Luke looked up and said, "Miss Henry, I dont have to color mine because it is a polar bear!"

Hope he isn't one of thes    Posted 11-15-2004 at 10:06:28       [Reply]  [No Email]
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and
Harvesting of Attorneys MC 370.00
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

Chas in Me

Chad K    Posted 11-15-2004 at 09:31:01       [Reply]  [No Email]
lol, this is right up my alley!!


My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Dear," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a rural café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.

One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Joe, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Joe replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to the big city. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in the Cariboo. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

A motorist, driving by a ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $300 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $1300. So $1300 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $1300. It's post dated six years from now."


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then and asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.


The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. "The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.) "It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is Dad sleeps nights in the raw!" Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights it done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"

"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through
the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin.' "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
............... Yodelling ...............

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Here's the real version....

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him, and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled, and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sexx with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


T Sherman    Posted 11-15-2004 at 09:12:27       [Reply]  [Send Email]

A hillbilly farmer got in his pickup and drove to a
neighboring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into

"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town
with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or
maybe I could
take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really
wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my
daughter, Pearly Mae,

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to
talk to Pa about
that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I
know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog,
but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Texas    Posted 11-15-2004 at 07:11:38       [Reply]  [No Email]
Q: Why doesnt Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico?

A: Because Oklahoma sucks....

My apologies to any Okies here...I thought it funny :)

Alias    Posted 11-15-2004 at 07:07:00       [Reply]  [No Email]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the

woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet

I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, and I figured this was the most

evil thing I could do to him legally."

Texas    Posted 11-15-2004 at 06:56:14       [Reply]  [No Email]
Gay Guy goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Guy, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Guy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape

Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

Guy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a much better understanding of what your @ss is for."

And, Didja Hear    Posted 11-15-2004 at 07:11:16       [Reply]  [No Email]
the one about the old woman that went to doctor and said, "Doc, remember those suppositories you gave me last time? Well for all the good they done I might just as well have shoved them up my @ss".

deadcarp    Posted 11-15-2004 at 06:44:03       [Reply]  [No Email]
well the latest might be more up a girl's alley - anyway they invented a super-ultra-hyper-sensitive - uhhh- birth control device. yeah it sits around and talks to her after the guy dozes off. :)

sdg    Posted 11-15-2004 at 08:30:12       [Reply]  [No Email]
Ok this lady walk into a sporting goods shop and gets a few things for her husband. she walks up to the counter to pay and realizes the clerk is blind. as he rings up the things, she's amazed how well he does. "23.95 ma'ma" he says. she reaches into her purse and drops her keys, she bends over to pick them up, "how much was that again" she asks. to which he replys 32.95...I forgot to add in the duck call and stink bait......

Kokanee    Posted 11-15-2004 at 13:24:26       [Reply]  [No Email]
Man breaks down on road. Indian fella comes and says whats wrong?? Guy in the broken down truck says " my piston broke". Indian guy says "no worrys, I,m pissed and broke to.

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