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The best fried turkey story
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DD    Posted 12-02-2004 at 10:21:35       [Reply]  [No Email]
Dear Mom,

I hope you and dad are having a Happy Thanksgiving. This year we
decided to do something a bit different and fry our turkey whole. I am
in a newsgroup on the Internet that just could not say enough about how
great they taste fried. I even got a recipe from one of the members. It
went something like this:

1 turkey plucked and gutted - leave feet for holding turkey 5 gal bucket
peanut oil. 1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees.

That didn't sound too complicated, and even though I've had several
Kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be a festive way to
celebrate Thanksgiving. Besides, we could do the deed outside on our
wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in the kitchen. What could go
wrong? I couldn't find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The
butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen
one that was on sale. I figured a meat man should know, so I got one.

Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen turkey? It's a weeklong job. I
figured the hot grease would do the trick anyhow, so why worry. Have you
priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the other stuff would work
just as good. After all, cooking oil is cooking oil. I managed to get
the oil in the pot just fine. Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept
smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the smoke
wouldn't hurt anything.

Now this is the part you won't believe! I threw that sucker in the pot
And when the thing thawed out the oil boiled over on the wooden deck and
Caught the deck on fire! We got the garden hose to put it out. Who
would know not to put water on a grease fire?

It didn't really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I forgot to watch
The cooking thermometer and the grease must have become too hot. I was
inside the house looking for the fire extinguisher when I heard the
explosion. Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud? It was incredible!
After the fire department left, we decided to eat dinner out next year.

Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined, but the deck burned down
and took half the garage with it. The dog will be just fine when his fur
grows back. We've always wanted a Mexican hairless dog anyhow.

The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about this
time of the year from people frying turkeys who don't know what they are
doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease was cheap and the stupid
turkey wouldn't thaw out? They need to put consumer-warning labels on

Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it may
have blown to bits as we've looked all over the neighborhood. If you see
a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth, that's probably it. By
the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot of people
thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we have not been
reported to the FBI.

Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I don't think
The house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of smoke
damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you think we could come to your
house for Christmas this year? You were not planning on frying a turkey,
were you?

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