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Gift wraping for men
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Ron/PA    Posted 12-24-2004 at 10:16:06       [Reply]  [No Email]
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to
see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented
unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo,
the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.

And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'
And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more
interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise. 2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had
to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They
were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size
of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes
I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.

That is why today I am presenting: GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift bag! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.

Quint    Posted 12-24-2004 at 12:32:22       [Reply]  [No Email]
I'm really bad at wrapping gifts for some reason and I would always have the store do it if possible.

Doesn't matter this year. I had nobody to give a gift to.

toolman    Posted 12-24-2004 at 10:32:03       [Reply]  [No Email]
your a sick man ron ole buddy, i thought donna enrolled you in gift wraping 101, and what about that duct tape course i sent you, didn,t you learn anything from that good thing when collie reads your posts she just looks at me with admiration, i can tell cause of the way she shakes her head and gives me that look and says,"he,s your buddy isn,t he" ,oh and one more thing i just seen a post from ennis down below how come he,s up so early why it,s not even noon yet, now they,ll be expecting us all to get up early.MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and donna my friend,take care.

Oops ! Guess I should ...    Posted 12-24-2004 at 11:52:18       [Reply]  [No Email]
stop wrapping gifts in newspaper with duct tape. I have done that a lot. I think its funny but it is probably more like this:

YOUR WIFE: That goober did it again. Jeez.

YOU: Look at the tight corners. Boy that tape works great on everything.

- Peanut

Ron/PA    Posted 12-24-2004 at 10:44:47       [Reply]  [No Email]
Thanks buddy, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I use duct tape for the name tags, I can run it all the way around the gift, and write with a spray can.
Just got home from the grocrery store, where I apply the 3&3 rule. Donna can talk to 3 people for a max of 3 minutes each, after that she's outta time. Should she strike up a 4th conversation, I immediatly head for the checkout counter. She came in 12 seconds under the wire. I was however, standing at the checkout yelling "Donna I need money!" It was a quiet ride home? Huh some holiday spirit!
Oh well I gotta get back to wrapping gifts, remember the good old days, when tires came pre-wrapped in that brown paper and all ya hadda do was stick some duct tape on it and grab the spray can??
Merry Christmas to you, Collie, and the beastie pups.
Ron & Grumpy

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