Posted 02-05-2005 at 10:00:25
[Reply] [Send Email]
footnote: i'm in remission now...was a bad bad few years......cv is home from the marines..and engaged...we still have our boat "Pressure Relief Valve" and still boat on our area's beautiful Mark Twain Lake...but the story was wrote during a scary time...sure hope i'm not boring ya to death...enjoy, Hollie
Just a little update and an extra thankyou to my roomies from ol blue here....ya see i spent, at last, some much needed time on our beautiful Mark Twain Lake last night with my husband (boss) and my youngest son and his girlfriend....we arrived around 6:30pm and as i was backing the boat off the trailer i noticed we were the only ones at the dock...i like it like that...its like the smart people built this lake just for my personal use...some times i use my time there for fun, for obtaining a "too die for tan" or to just reflect on how our lives are moving along.....and like the water, sometimes our lives are rocky and white capped and sometimes....we muddle through life like the water was last night...calm, smooth as glass and yet dark and scary at the same time. Boss open up our 20 foot Sea Ray called Pressure Relief Valve and we headed for open water....there is not enough words to describe how i felt....avid boaters as a rule...we are short on lake time due to my cancer now, but tonight...armed with pain pills and fried chicken...i wanted to pretend for just a while it was last summer or the many other summers we have spent here and leave my fears and pain behind. I've been confined to the house so much these days that the wind felt so refreshing and the first thing i noticed was i wasn't reaching for a hair holder to keep my long hair out of my face....for in a fit of emotion i have cut it. I realize I may loose it all and if i cut it myself....well,,, i still feel like i have some control over what is me. I could smell the water....not fishy but fresh and the cold spray that was hitting me in the face was welcomed...i knew i couldn't get in the water for fear of infection and it called me....teased me....the lake knows how much i love to ski and just float around until a nosy sunfish nibbles on me and sends me giggling and screaming back in the boat.... It was then that i noticed my son laying on his stomach in the front of the boat..leaning over and watching the water rush past him...I sat next to him and as if I could read his mind....I told him i'll be ok son, ol mom is tough you know that. He just nodded and i saw tears in his eyes....so many that the wind couldn't keep them dried up...Now this is a 22 year old, my proud marine and i felt so sad for him....as much as i deal with pills, pain and goals everyday...i have forgotten that inside that 6 ft frame is still my little boy, the baby of the family and he was hurting...He thinks his mommy is going away....I tried to make light of the moment and reassure him so i asked if he had cut any deals with God for me....he again just nodded...not wanting to trust his voice to speak...i rubbed his back and said good...but remember the only two things in life that ya can count on is stealing bases and kisses...deals usually fall on deaf ears....ya have to want something so bad that it consumes your daily life....make sure the deals you make today are the ones you will honor tomorrow...and again he nodded...we didn't have to speak ...we both understood...my baby was a man and he was trying to fight his ability to know he still needs his mom and yet try to let on that he was as tough as she was pretending to be. My husband slowed down and we headed to a cove....our boat runs so smooth you can hardly hear the engine. The inlet turned to a bottle neck and he backed the boat in so we could face the sunset. Sunset has always been my favorite time on the lake....all the tourist have gone back to their homes and i swear when its quite and i walk the beach area i can hear the ghostly sounds of water splashing, mothers scolding for going out to far and the smell of lingering suntan oil. But a cove is different...your all alone. The water there has no life, it doesn't move. The birds and the night bugs start to sing you a bedtime song and the shadows fall down and hold you so still in the water that we never have to use an anchor. We don't move.....we just exist with nature and have always felt like we should of asked permission before we invade their time and space. It was then that the sun was ending her day....Her colors last night, always more vivid near the water, were falling. Orange, yellow and hues of blue appeared to melt into the darkness of the lake water. CV said ain't that great mom! You gonna let us stay out here once this summer...just mandy and me? ...but i didn't answer him right away.....i wanted to freeze that moment...wanted to hold onto it and bury it deep in my heart....wanted to steal that quite moment just like bases and kisses....it was the first time sense all this mess has happened to me that i felt close to God....i almost said out loud....yep..i don't need lumber and glass and perfect songs to make me feel like I'm close to God...just this...just this personnel time on my lake. In fact I think its somewhat better.....and I guess the look on my face told CV what I was thinking... Vernon came and sat beside me and with out exchanging words we shared the same warmth. Not from the heat of the evening but from knowing that together we'd make it through this. Pretty ain't it honey he said.....my gosh, he said, we sure have seen a lot of sunsets....then he hugged me and said, and we're gonna see more....I have to believe that.. i yelled at cv...now digging in the fried chicken, remember when you said you were making deals....? and he said yea.....well, make one more for me....tell yourself that no matter where you are...who your with....or what is going on in your life that ya stop and hold onto a beautiful sunset...its like a promise son.....the same sun that says goodbye to you tonight will again raise on another of Gods' days. ....no matter what goes on...you can count on that..just as you can count on Him to give ya all the sunsets and days that you need....never give up on what you want.....I may not be here to push you or guide you but the sunsets will...see them and remember me and this quite moment stolen from time on the lake. We headed back to the dock and as we cruised past the beach area I recalled all the times spent there, all the fun, the people we have met and noticed that a towel was left there....just one towel. I felt lonely and a bit chilled as the dew fell....boss noticed and said, better get you home...don't want to wear yourself out and then while standing, begging the last of the evening breeze to linger he kissed me under a pending night sky that just a few moments ago held a rainbow of colors and a promice of more.
Posted 02-05-2005 at 12:01:53
[Reply] [No Email]
thankyou so much...um..short story is...my youngest son was born in 83, died in 85..birth defects...and the social worker the hospital mandator-a-lee assigned us told each of us we needed to find something to do with our now empty hearts and hands...my husband took up banjo playing...(sitting in a clost, hanging light bulb, and DOOR SHUT) lol...denny learned chess (was age 11) from some neat ol fellers at the local nursing home...cv was just 4 and did just cv stuff...but i took up writing...and yes..i've had a few printed..in local papers, did a few for weddings (read during the service) and now...i've found my way to this sight and have posted a few...they take me back...and i hope i can put my thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams to ryme...glad you enjoyed them..............hollie