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Texas Chili
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Larry    Posted 10-10-2002 at 06:45:59       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Texas Chili If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there may be no hope for you. Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy snot, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting snot-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound barmaid is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I fawted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pi$$es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now like a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I schitt myself when I fawted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3 -- He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like schitt to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.



Sid    Posted 10-10-2002 at 18:38:08       [Reply]  [No Email]
Hey Larry. How is Frank doing now? Did he and Sally ever get together? ILTMSH


Larry    Posted 10-10-2002 at 22:41:19       [Reply]  [Send Email]

The way it sounded at the end there wasn't enough of him left to pour back into his shoes. :-)


Mudcat49    Posted 10-10-2002 at 12:07:37       [Reply]  [No Email]
ROTF-LMAO!!!!!!


Gary, one spicy cajun    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:51:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
Extremely very funny, I cook everything except oatmeal with an abssurd amount of whole and ground pepper(according to my wife) but what the hey my daughter likes food just as hot as I do, so at least I don't have to eat alone.


This is what I needed last night...    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:43:49       [Reply]  [Send Email]
..a good laugh when I was sleepless and finally went to bed at 5:30,great joke.

Take Care Larry

Patria/PR


Dan    Posted 10-10-2002 at 09:57:38       [Reply]  [No Email]
Larry, your story is very funny but someone is pulling you leg. If you believe your friend Frank, I have a bridge for sale that you may be interested in. There aint no "chili cook off" when the rodeo comes to Houston. As a matter of fact, the rodeo does not come to Houston. The livestock show, rodeo and related events are "held" during Feb. and March each year. The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo Association is a charitable organization made up of over 13,000 committee volunteers from several communities in and around Houston. It's motto is "Benefitting Youth and Supporting Education". It has written over 85 million dollars in scolarships to texas universities. Yes there is a Barbeque cook off, and no, the judges are not picked on the spot(especially some inexperienced chili taster from the east coast who does not know the difference between barbecue and chili) and they do not get free beer during the judging. In fact they are very strict about not drinking anything during the judging that will alter their sense of taste. This is serious business as there are about 400 teams that enter this cook off. You see, I do live in Texas, have participated in this cook off and have given a lot of my time and money to this cause every year for the last 23 years. Check out the link below.
Dan in Tx


Link: Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo



Maggie/TX    Posted 10-10-2002 at 13:46:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
Yep, and last year was the last year for it to be held at the Astrodome, too, but the joke is a hoot!
Now they DO have chili cookoffs in Dayton, TX at Ole Tyme Days and I think I saw this guy there once. hee hee!


Mark A    Posted 10-10-2002 at 12:25:55       [Reply]  [No Email]
The joke would not have been nearly as funny if it had to adhere to all your reflections!! Maybe thats why it's a joke?


Larry    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:07:57       [Reply]  [Send Email]

This was just a
joke that I got in my e-mail. Thought a few of you would get a kick out of it.


Texan with common sense    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:05:02       [Reply]  [No Email]
Hey Dan from TX, it was just a joke.


Dan    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:07:23       [Reply]  [No Email]
Was it really? DUH LOL


Burrhead    Posted 10-10-2002 at 14:15:10       [Reply]  [No Email]
How did you come up with the notion the rodeo don't come to Houston??


Maggie/TX    Posted 10-10-2002 at 20:48:11       [Reply]  [No Email]
I bet it's because the main organizers of the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo are already here in Houston. True, a lot of folks come in from out of town and even out of country, but the Committees and sponsors are already here and they are the backbone of the whole shebang. I hadn't really thought of it before but I can see Dan's point there.
The Committees are already starting to have meetings getting ready for the next one.


Burrhead, you know i'm always....    Posted 10-10-2002 at 15:35:58       [Reply]  [Send Email]
..behind with some of the english words/ways? can you or somebody from the board please explain this one to me? "DUH", i'm sorry but it sounds kinda silly,you know i'm always interested in learning new english vocabulary....hm? Patria


Burrhead    Posted 10-10-2002 at 17:28:58       [Reply]  [No Email]
In common use it's the same as calling you stupid.


dg    Posted 10-10-2002 at 14:31:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
I didn't quite catch that either Burr. The pro cowboys and the pro breeders been coming to houston for a long time, from all over the country too. As a mater of fact I think some breeders come from out of the country.


Burrhead    Posted 10-10-2002 at 17:46:34       [Reply]  [No Email]
the last time I was over there I ate supper in the same crowd with and talked to a bunch of cowboys that came in from Australia and some were from Germany.

When they left Houston they were planning on making 2 rodeos in Canada and one more in America before going home.

I don't know if it's true or not but the announcer that night said the Houston PBRA show is the biggest in the world.



Dan    Posted 10-10-2002 at 10:01:47       [Reply]  [No Email]



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