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Teenager problem
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Cindi    Posted 07-06-2003 at 12:41:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
I need some feed back here. My daughter has been dating a boy for eight months now. I like the boy, but it's her that's driving me crazy. She's only sixteen and she spends every waking moment talking to him or about him and if she's not over there with his family, she's buggin' me to go over there. There is supervision so it's not like they are up to no good, but it's really starting to hurt my feelings.

She left for work today at eleven thirty. She just called me from her boyfriend's parent's house, saying that she looked at the schedule wrong and she wasn't supposed to work after all. They let her get a couple of hours in and the minute she got off, instead of coming home, she went over there. They live within two miles of her work, we live ten miles away. Her boyfriend is not even home and is not excpected home until late tonight. She goes to spend time with his family.

I find myself getting very vindictive about this. It's like we're not good enough for her anymore, so you know what, I bought all MY kids shoes over the weekend, I didn't buy her any. I no longer have a few extra bucks for gas. I no longer make her favorite meals, cause chances are she's not going to be here to eat them. I am really getting my fill of this crap. I know this reaction is probably a mistake, but I can't help being mad about this. What would ya'll do?

Aprille    Posted 07-07-2003 at 03:37:45       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Hmm..well it doesn't sound as if she is getting in trouble!! Everything is supervised?? Good for you for being a caring parent and trusting that your child is making good choices..How about this..what if you start making "dates" with your daughter?? Just a day for you and her to go to lunch or a movie ..get hair or nails done..go to the library together?? Anything so it will give you some together time..don't be hurt or vindictive because the values you have given your child have produced such a solid secure proud..Make sure you let her know verbally and physically that you are there for her..don't forget those huggs!!

DL    Posted 07-06-2003 at 21:24:34       [Reply]  [Send Email]
I don't have children. But at my age and experience I observed many things. I think you should have a serious talk with your daughter. Help her figure out what she want to do with her life. Let her know all the consequenses of early pregnancy and being a young mother. Does she want to go to college and make something of herself? With two kids it will be very difficult for her to do anything. Tell her even through teenager love is the strongest and most intense, often they are flawed and tend to fail. One of reasons is that people and situation change with time. Ask her what she is going to do with two kids and a failed marrige. Move back living with you? She can experience love and six all her life. But she only has one very brief period of youth to prepare for her whole life, that's about 50 - 60 years from now on.

Hal/WA    Posted 07-06-2003 at 20:55:29       [Reply]  [No Email]
This is one of those steps in growing up and breaking away. We all did it in our own ways--nobody is just the same. Just keep the lines of communication open and things will probably be fine. As long as your daughter is safe..... It could be a lot worse.

I have raised 3 daughters and 2 sons to adulthood. It was not always easy. In my opinion girls are FAR MORE DIFFICULT to get through the teen years than boys, but usually they are better by 15 or 16. And as I gained experience, I think I got to be a better father. It was toughest with the oldest, a very strong willed and very sophisticated girl.

Things have worked out pretty well: 3 college graduates with good jobs and 2 more that are almost through college, making their way as they go. I am close friends with all of my kids--they call me all the time and we do things together. I help them whenever I can. I don't just love them. I really like them!

We live out in the country and getting a driver's license and use of a vehicle has always been right at the top of the list of desires of my kids. Of course driving privileges were the first things that they lost if they needed to be punished, even if the problem had nothing to do with the car or driving. They all caught on pretty fast that if they expected to drive somewhere, they better do what they were supposed to. There were other things I could take away, but the car and driver's license worked the best. Luckily, for the most part, I had pretty compliant kids that usually had fair judgment.

I gave my children more and more freedom as they got older. When they turned 18, I very seldom told them what they had to do (other than minding the house rules if they were still living in my house). However they often asked me what I thought about a question they had. I would tell them what I thought, and how I came to that decision or opinion. But I don't tell them what to do. It is remarkable to me how often they ask me about things.

Your daughter is growing up. Hopefully you have trained her well and given her good values. I have read many of your posts and obviously you have good values and reason well. Set some limits that are not too restrictive and keep talking to your daughter. She should be fine.

just askin    Posted 07-06-2003 at 20:07:35       [Reply]  [No Email]
it looks like you spend more time on this form then with her??also get a life at any time she can move out eaven at 16 and you can't stop her

Cindi    Posted 07-06-2003 at 20:36:43       [Reply]  [No Email]
As eloquent as your response is, I was tempted to ignore it, but just so you know, you can't spend time with someone who not here. Just tellin'.

Reddee    Posted 07-06-2003 at 20:50:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
What an insensitive reply that was"askin'"!! Whether you work a full time job (or two) or your job is to stay home take care of house,kids,ol' man' yard, farm, WHATEVER!! Everyone is entitled to their OWN time be it on discussion boards asking for advise about self centered everythings about me teenagers or those voicing insensitive opinions concerning something apparently you know nothing about!! But HEY!! This is just my opinion!! I too have teenagers who are wrapped up in themselves and sometimes have a hard time remembering that Mom has feelings too.. Giving your 16 year old a taste of reality is the best teacher!! This too shall pass!!!

Jimbob    Posted 07-06-2003 at 18:27:16       [Reply]  [No Email]
I would just blow it off. It is a 'no win' the way I see it.

Juliana    Posted 07-06-2003 at 16:35:45       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Cindi, I know as a teenager myself, that it was always "more fun" to do the same things I was supposed to do at home, at someone else's house. Just the praise seemed to be there that my mom didn't give me. Why not have a "mother-daughter" talk some time, not at home, and tell HER what you shared with us? Tell her she is missed, maybe set some time amount that she can spend with Paul. Have Paul over at your home more often, if possible, too. Good luck.

KellyGa    Posted 07-06-2003 at 15:21:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
Well... I haven't been there yet, I am scared of what it will be like, I can only hope she and I will live through it! I have a friend in Newnan that has a 16 year old daughter, and he was just telling me the other day how she always wants to do and go whereever she (her mama) does and goes, she is glad for the relationship, but thinks she should go out more with her friends. Be with he own age people sometimes. I say hey, if she likes hanging out with you, thats great. Cause when my daughter gets 16, I won't mind a bit. I was the exact opposite when I was 16. I couldn't get away fast enough, and yes, I was always at my boyfriends parents house, which he is now my husband, so I guess it all works out either way. My sisters kids are kinda half and half. The 16 year old hangs out with her boyfriend and friends and mom too. I don't know what to tell you. As long as nobody is getting hurt or into trouble,I guess its all good. I am sure I have no idea what I am talking about, but in 7 years I will! :) Good Luck anyway.

Fawteen    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:03:29       [Reply]  [No Email]
My experience with two daughters is that the harder you pull on the reins, the more they wanna run. You say there's supervision, and hanky-panky is unlikely, so where's the problem?

16 is well into the time of life when kids start trying their wings and prepare themselves psychologically for being independent adults. You can't stop it.

Not to be cruel, but I think your reaction is something less than adult, and is just making it worse. You don't need to subsidize her "addiction" and you can and should work with her to keep it to a reasonable level, but spiting her is not the way to do it.

Of course, I could be completely full of crap too. I certainly didn't win any ribbons for my parenting skills. My girls survived to become pretty squared-away adults more through good luck and the natural processes of Nature than any genius on my part.

Randy    Posted 07-06-2003 at 12:56:27       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Never had kids Cindi. Hard one for me. My initial reation is to say whatever time you do have with her to make it quality time. Your being angry or uptight will keep you from enjoying those few precious minutes. What happens when she gets older and gets married and maybe moves away? At least you had this time now. Make the most out of it. Good luck.

Clod    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:07:51       [Reply]  [No Email]
Randy and Fawteen pretty well covered the situation in my view.

Cindi    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:21:34       [Reply]  [No Email]
My problem is I've got a kid, who is still my legal responsibility, basically shunning her own family in lieu of another. While at the same time, she's got her hand out asking for money for makeup and clothing and other needs. She's never here to help with feeding, she maybe puts in an hour or so in housework a week, she pays her sister to do her chores. I'm sorry but I'm just feeling like the red headed step child. She wanted to go over there last weekend. For what? To help Paul's mother clean her house. Do you think she asks Paul's mother for money? Heck no!

How can this be right or fair. Why should I be expected to be okay with this. How is she learning to be responsible if she basically ignores the people who provide for her.

ret    Posted 07-06-2003 at 17:37:24       [Reply]  [No Email]
your kid is evidently not happy at home. might be a good idea to see why she prefers it over there.If homelife is stressed, can't blame her for wanting to leave. I have found that when there is tension at home, I didn't want to be there. Maybe you could spend more time with her Speaking from experience

Randy    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:42:13       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Sounds normal to me. Kinda like I don't mow my own lawn but I'll help you all day do yours.
Don't forget, anyone else is so much cooler, better, different and everything else then our own parents.
Must be hard to watch them grow and realize that all too soon they won't be there at all.

Clod    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:53:21       [Reply]  [No Email]

Everybody else has a motorsickle! Why cant I have one? Dad said,,You got a sickle with a motor out there..Go work and buy what you like.

Cindi    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:47:25       [Reply]  [No Email]
It's pure hel*. I know I bluster about the peace and quiet when they're not around, but when you are slapped in the face with the absolute silence when they stay gone too long, it is horrible. Now I know why some folks have forty year old kids still living at home. Sniff.

Lenore    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:37:20       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sounds pretty "teenage" to me.
The other parents and families are always more fun than your family.
Most teens like spending time away from home.
Sounds sort of like the beginning effects of growing up.
It starts way before they are really grown up;
but in their own minds they are much older and smarter than you think they are.
As far as supervision goes;
are you sure what kind of supervision there really is?
Have you talked to the boy's mom and asked about it?
How old is the boy?
What is supervision for a 16 year old boy and a 19 year old one can be very different.
It does not hurt to talk to the boy and his parents.

Cindi    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:45:17       [Reply]  [No Email]
Oh I have, they are very big on not leaving them alone together. I am of the same opinion, they just approached it with me before I got a chance to come to them about it, that was months ago. I know they love Jill, and I really care for Paul. Jill is not a giggly teenager, she's pretty level headed and can carry on a very intelligent conversation, which is a double edged sword. When I tell her she needs to stay home more, she wants a logical explanation. "I can do my chores in an hour, why shouldn't I go over there when I'm done?" How do you explain to a kid that you miss hearing them laugh at something on t v, or just having them under the same roof. I was prepared for this to happen in a couple of years, just not so soon. Maybe this is just part of the learning experience for me, too, but I am not a very willing pupil right now. I want to see my daughter when she's not sleeping or eating.

Randy    Posted 07-06-2003 at 13:51:31       [Reply]  [Send Email]
The good thing is they sound like good people too. She could be off with people that didn't care about leaving kids alone and being responsible parents.

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