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Problem parents
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Sara    Posted 07-25-2003 at 06:33:54       [Reply]  [No Email]
does anyone have any problem parent stories? My parents are elderly and....diffucult. I love my parents, don't get me wrong .Um...I'll shut up now.


frann    Posted 09-12-2003 at 17:33:05       [Reply]  [Send Email]
hi, my situation started at least 2 years ago with my mother. all my life she has been a devout christian, she taught us the word through praise and worship and daily prayer and reading the bible. up to about 2 years ago, my mother has seemingly become angry. she picks on me and my 2 brothers and sometimes my 17 year old daughter. she belittles us yelling out obsenities, constantly stating our father and us are nothing and stupid. she firmly believes that kids are not to speak unless spoken to. we (me and 2 brothers) are adults. we have assisted her til the point where we dont help anymore. she has resorted to coming on our jobs (we have families) and or calling our jobs making demands and belittling us in front of co-workers. she has destroyed most of our relationships with other people and tells our children not to obey us. i pray about this contantly and am tired. mom is suffering from depression and havent dealt with the fact that our father left us when i was 10 (im 32 now). i guess we are getting the butt of it all. thanks for reading


Phyllis    Posted 07-25-2003 at 10:13:46       [Reply]  [No Email]
Now, if you want to see a long post, just read on:

http://community.webshots.com/user/phyllis480

http://community.webshots.com/user/dannmill (album called Rehab and Therapy at Baylor)


I wanted to share this with ya'll, since the subject of parents came up. About 3 years ago, my mom and dad were in a horrible car wreck. Mom was injured, but not bad enough to be hospitalized. Dad, was almost killed. He was 75 at the time. He was airlifted to Parkland, where they basically gave him pain meds and sent him home. After arriving home, he got worse and started becoming paralyzed. He had a spinal cord injury that was apparently overlooked by Parkland. We took him by ambulance, back to a local hospital on Christmas Day, 2000. While at that hospital, he almost died because he couldn't breath. They rushed him into their ICU and put him on life support to breathe. He progressively got more paralyzed after that, until he was paralyzed from the neck down. This hospital did not have the facilities to tend to him like he needed, so eventually he was accepted at Baylor. This wasn't an easy task, but a friend of our family pulled a few strings. No one wanted to treat him, because of his age and the extent of his injuries and the risk of doing any surgery, and him being on life support.

He was transported to Baylor, after much prayer and the help of the friend. They immediately put him in the Trauma Unit ICU and started doing tests and MRI's. They told us that he might not survive at all. Prayers went out all across the country (thanks to God for the Internet!) At this point, he was almost coma-like. He was almost never conscious when we saw him, and was totally still and paralyzed. They hooked him up to all kinds of things, and life support. He was there, in that condition for about a month and a half. At one point, he started bleeding internally, and they had to give him 9 or more pints of blood and do an emergency surgery on his stomach. His heart rate went dangerously high, and his blood pressure was dangerously low. This was extremely risky because of his overall condition, and the life support, but if they didn't do it, he'd bleed to death. It went well, and they found an artery that was the culprit, and fixed it.

Almost every time we visited, we were told how, because of his age, his condition, etc., that he might not make it out of ICU. (This was one of the hardest places to visit, that I've ever been to. There were people, literally, in beds next to him, dying, and grieving families). At this point, we weren't concerned whether he'd walk again or not, but about whether he'd live. One evening, while we were there, he awoke out of his coma-like sleep. Not totally alert, but woke up a little. He couldn't talk, because of the trach, but he looked up and smiled, and then dozed back off. From that point on, I think God must've comforted me, because I knew in my heart that he'd be all right, in spite of what the doctors were saying.

While in the Trauma ICU, they found out, from the tests they did, that not only was his neck fractured in 2 places, but that he had a growth that, because of the spinal cord injury, was causing a lot of problems. They said that it would require surgery to remove it, to even have a slim chance of ever being able to walk. But, that surgery wasn't possible until he got stronger, and that if they did do the surgery, even when he was better, that there was a very good chance he wouldn't survive it. He had other multiple injuries, but they were more concerned with his spinal cord.

Finally, they started trying to wean him off the ventilator, because he was trying to breathe on his own!! I don't know how this happened, (well, actually I do know!) since he was still paralyzed from the neck down, but he was. They were able to get him off of it, finally, and he was put into a hospital room, out of ICU. The trach was still there, in case he needed it, and because they were planning on doing surgery later and would use it then. He couldn't talk to us, and his ears were stopped up so he couldn't hear very good either. (He has since gotten hearing aids). I did a lot of note writing during that time! I couldn't read his lips good, but would get answers by having him blink. He could not move to write. He did start being able to barely move a finger or two, during this, but not good enough to do anything.

He then got an infection, from his stomach surgery, which required some work to get under control. While still in this hospital room, he also got a blood clot in one of his legs, because of being paralyzed. They put a screen in, or something, to take care of it. Eventually, the main spinal cord doctor wanted to have a meeting with the family, in dad's room, to talk about possibilities. We were all there, and she came in, by his bedside, and told us that he would never be able to come home, because of all the care he required, and that it would be 24-hour care needed. He'd never be able to walk or take care of himself. My mom and brother broke up (they were so grieved and stressed at this time, that they were literally beside themselves). I mentioned to the doctor, how he could move a couple of fingers, and she wasn't impressed at all. She said, even if they did surgery, that chances are, if he survived it, that he might be able to get some slight movement, but would never, positively never, be able to walk, or to live at home.

Okay. I guess I'm stubborn or something, and I KNOW my dad is, lol. But, God had already gave me a comforting that dad was going to be all right, back when he was still in the Trauma ICU, and I couldn't forget that. If dad couldn't live at home, I knew that he would NOT be all right. Everyone left his room, but I was going to stay the night with him, like I did from time to time. When it was just dad and me, I wrote him a note and told him what the doctor was saying, since he couldn't hear very good and missed almost all of it. He just looked at me, and moved one of his shoulders, like a shrug, and mouthed something about "moving better". I just wanted to cry, I was so happy, and I told him "Yes, you ARE moving better!" And, that the doctors weren't always right. But, he already knew that.

After he was stabilized and over the infection, they decided it was time to put him in some kind of rehab, to learn how to live the rest of his life in bed and in a wheelchair. He was moved to one "rehab" that was basically a nursing home. While still at that place, the director called me into his office, and wanted to know about "arrangements" for dad, when he was dismissed from there. In other words, he wanted to know where we would like to "send" him for the rest of his life. I just told him that dad would be coming home, no matter what, and that ended that talk. After a couple of days, a doctor that I never saw before, and never saw afterwards, came in, saw how dad could move his fingers, and stated, "You don't belong here. I'm going to recommend that you be put in ----- Rehab." That was like music to dad's and my ears!

After about a week of that place, he was put into a real rehab unit at Baylor in Dallas. They gave him exercises, taught him how to use an electric wheelchair, and all that would be needed to live as a quadraplegic. They wanted to know where he was going home to, when he left there. At that point, like I mentioned, my mother and brother, were so stressed and grieved, that neither one was capable of taking care of dad. (Mom had told dad earlier that he might have to go to a nursing home, because she couldn't take care of him.) She wasn't being mean, she just was trying to face that fact, and at that point, she really couldn't have taken care of him. Anyway, knowing this, and knowing that I wasn't going to let him be put away somewhere, I told them that he'd probably be coming home with me and my husband. So, after that, they began teaching me how to care for him. I learned, among other things, how to physically lift and move him in and out of the bed and wheelchair. (I'm a very small person, and this just amazed my dad, lol!).

Before long, the doctors were wanting him to decide about that surgery on his neck. Now that dad was at himself, and awake and coherent, it was his decision to make. He decided to not have it. He said that he felt he was going to be all right, and could move a little bit better (fingers and maybe a few toes at this point), and would rather not risk surgery, and see if he improved without it. So, with that decided, they removed his trach so it could heal up. They had changed it previously, into one that could be capped so he could talk a little bit, but now they removed it completely. In a short time, he was talking a lot better!

About two weeks or so, before they were going to dismiss him, mom went to her doctor and got some anti-depressants, and started trying to learn how to tend to dad. They told us he was going to be dismissed on a certain date, and mom's meds hadn't kicked in yet, and she was really scared about it. (Bless her heart!) And, dad was THRILLED about it! As it turned out, mom did an excellent, and I do mean EXCELLENT job of taking care of dad when he went home. To THEIR home, not mine. They both knew that I was going to take him home, if mom wasn't up to it, but dad really wanted to go to his home, with his wife - of course. And, that's how it went.

At home, he had a wheelchair and a Hoyer Lift that was sent home with him. We decided to get him a few other things, on our own. We bought him a walker, that had the tall arm rests with velcro, since he couldn't hold on to one the way most people do. His home therapist helped us stand him up to it, just to get him in a standing position for circulation, etc. He really liked this. We'd hold onto him so he wouldn't fall, and did this as many times a day as he was up to it. He exercised faithfully - we bought him small weights to exercise with. He could move his arms, hands, fingers, and now his legs just a little. He wasn't able to stand or get up, or feed himself, or do anything, but he was starting to get movement back - slowly.

Pretty soon, after standing up to the walker, he was getting stronger, and decided to try to take a step, with us supporting him so he wouldn't fall. Well, he took a tiny step. Then, another tiny step. It exhausted him, and we helped him back to the bed. The rest is history. He continued to improve, doctor took out his catheter, finally, he was able to raise up from the waist, out of bed, then he was able to swing around and sit up by himself, then he was able to stand up to the walker by himself, then, he was able to take steps with no one holding on to him to support him, then he was able to go to the bathroom by himself, then, he was able to use his hands and arms to feed himself, then, he was able to dress himself, and on and on and on! Praise God!

Now, dad works on their car, (fixed the brakes, changed a tire, etc.), takes walks, works in his little workshop on all sorts of projects, does things in the house, fixed my front gate, and basically does almost everything he used to do before the accident. He does not use a walker, cane or anything. He's now 78 years young, and is probably more active than I am, LOL and Praise the Lord!

Now, I'm teary-eyed, but it's happy tears! I just wanted to share this with you guys, and the pictures at Webshots pretty much tell the story.

A year after the wreck, when he was walking good, we went back to the rehab and had a visit. The therapists and doctors were absolutely stunned. I don't know how else to say it. It was great! I still have his first round of X-rays after he was paralyzed, that show his injuries, and why he wasn't supposed to ever recover. I think I'll have them framed, lol!

Dad doesn't remember us visiting him in the ICU, or any of what happened there. He said he was having strange dreams - probably morphine induced, but the main thing he remembers was that the 23rd Psalms kept coming to him, and that he felt that it was just for him. Because of this, he said he wasn't scared. Sorry this is so long, but it was a very long ordeal that God turned around and used to His Glory!
I will ALWAYS have this great memory - even after they're both gone. Have a great day everyone!!



Les    Posted 07-25-2003 at 10:18:16       [Reply]  [No Email]
Phyllis, it's good to hear from you again. I remember when you were going through that with your dad.
My dad has been gone for 10 years. I wouldn't wish him back in the condition he had to spend the last 10 or 12 years of his life (Parkinson's) but I sure do miss him and not many days go by but what I think of something I'd like to talk to him about.


Tom A    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:39:33       [Reply]  [No Email]
My Dad passed on 10 years ago, and I'd give anything to talk to him now. I think about him daily as I face many of the same problems he did, I just don't do it as well.

While he was here there were many times that I got ticked off with him, was rude to him, frustrated with him. But now I am ashamed at how petty I was and how trivial the stuff was that I made a fuss over. Don't have regrets, enjoy them while you can.

Just remember: "You only get issued one Mom and one Dad for your whole life."

Tom


sara    Posted 07-25-2003 at 09:03:51       [Reply]  [No Email]
My mom takes 180+ Extra strenth Tylonal a week, my dad spends 500+ a month on lottery tickets. They do not bath. They are both diabetic but eat massive amounts of candy.When made stews, soups etc. they refuse to eat it. They are both about to have their legs amputated. They ask me for money and call me names when I cannot give it. They are adults and are old enough to make their own decisions.I do not interfere and try to stay out of things, but it's hard when you can remember a once feisty, vibrant couple turn into someone else.As I said before I am sorry if this offends anyone's principles or sense of morality.


I'm not offended at all.    Posted 07-25-2003 at 09:22:41       [Reply]  [No Email]
Everyone feels however they feel.

I do understand your frustration and empathize with you. But I was just telling you how I feel, from my view 10 years further down the road, that's all.

good luck to you.
Tom A


Ron/PA    Posted 07-25-2003 at 07:50:56       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sure I have lots of those stories! At the time they occure they are really frustrating. (Like my mom calling me up to tell me what I got her for her birthday??) I've learned to deal with them with all the patients and laughter I can muster. Dad is 83 and Mom is 82 this year, and I've only got 50 years of memories stored up so far, and I intend to make the rest of them good ones. As hard as you think it gets, keep your sense of humor, When they get frustated 'cause I make them do something, I never fail to remind them,,
(Be nice to me,, I'll be picking your nursing home!) A good chuckle always lightens the load a bit for all of us.
Later
Ron


A Dog's Friend    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:52:46       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Anyone who has lived with or cared for an elderly person has "difficult geezer" stories. At the time they happen they can be quite frustrating, infuriating, exasperaing, etc. But with time the memories mellow so you can chuckle at just about anything. I took care of my father for the last couple years of his life. He was the sweetest man you would ever want to meet. But when his mind got "fuzzy" he could be exasperating. I push back the memories of having to clean him up when he lost control of his bodily functions, or the repetive stories of things that happened fifty years ago. Instead remember how he would be so happy he would start singing (and he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket)when my wife would make a special supper for him. Or how appreciative he was when we would just go out for a ride and have breakfast at his favorite diner. I could go on and on, but what I mean is, Remember the good times. They mean more in the end.

Sorry for the long post. -A Dog's Friend


Cindi    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:56:14       [Reply]  [No Email]
Long post? You thought that was long?! Lol!

I thought it was very good and could have been longer. I can see this old man happily sitting at his diner, seeing people and, choosing his meal.


Cindi    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:25:29       [Reply]  [No Email]
Lol! Ron! You say your mom told you what to get her for her birthday? Sounds to me like fifty years of perfumed talcum powder may have left their mark! My mom did the same thing.

"You gonna get me a present?"

"Well, of course."

"Well then get me _________."

It's hard to know what to get for someone, I'd rather have them tell me.

Check this....my mom lived in Texas until the day she died. My sister really is the one who tended her. The year after she had to have her left leg removed I sent her a DRESS for her birthday! She loved a new dress. I felt like such a heel. I sent it in care of my sister and she called me and said...'are you sure this is what you want to give her?'

Thank God the tag was still on it and it was purchased at walmart so she exchanged it easily. I still ache over that thoughtless gift, and she's been gone for three or four years now.



Ron/PA,    Posted 07-25-2003 at 09:03:02       [Reply]  [No Email]
Noooooo, you misunderstood, I paid for Mom to get the whole works at the hair dresser, and later that day, she called me and said "I just want to tell you what Ron got me for my birthday!
She was actually trying to tell me what I had just given her, Like it was news to me. In reality she forgot which one of us kids she was talking to.....
Later
Ron


Cindi    Posted 07-25-2003 at 09:34:49       [Reply]  [No Email]
ohhhh...ohh...I'm so sorry. I know what you mean now. That's horrible. But look at it this way. It impressed her enough to tell someone so it meant something to her. Right? Poor thing. What did you say to her?


LH    Posted 07-25-2003 at 06:55:54       [Reply]  [No Email]
Depends on what kind of problems you mean. Lots of us faced our parents health problems and age related frailness. My parents have been gone for over 5 years and although at the time I was a bit frustrated with their problems I owuld gladly deal with them again if I could have em back


Yolanda van Hollstein    Posted 10-08-2003 at 05:01:13       [Reply]  [Send Email]
my mom is always bringing me down. when i was small she had anger problems and she abused me, cause my father used to hit her so i guess she took it out on me. whenever i phone her she puts me down and expects the worst from me. i hate it. i have just had a beautiful little girl and my mom was not even involved in my pregnancy, only now 3 months after having the baby does she want to see the child. i just dont know if i must go there and put up with it, or cut all ties.


Maggie/TX    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:51:40       [Reply]  [No Email]
Amen to that, LH! My Dad died in '89 and my Mom in '98. With my Mom it was like walking through the fires of he*l, but I would go through those two months with her again in a heartbeat.


Sara    Posted 07-25-2003 at 07:48:22       [Reply]  [No Email]
I think that it is wonderful that your parents left you with what must be great memories. I felt when my first child was born that I have a better understanding of what my parents must have been challenged with when I was born. My parents taught me many things but never taught me how to deal with watching them struggle with the things they have had to face. I am young and still learning. I apologize for not being more politicaly correct, and/or causing offence.


Maggie/TX    Posted 07-25-2003 at 08:55:27       [Reply]  [No Email]
Sara, sometimes you get thrown a curveball in life and the only way to get through it is with a Higher Power and love.


Clod    Posted 07-25-2003 at 07:12:34       [Reply]  [No Email]
I agree with LH here.


Clod    Posted 07-25-2003 at 06:41:21       [Reply]  [No Email]
Most of the younger generation has problem parents.I am not a parent so can expect no direct complaints.I am sure humans being imperfect living beings will not meet all the high standards that others will set as their limits.Then I would ask,Do parents think there are problem children.Most prisons and jails contain younger inmates.I dont think it is a conspiracy by the white hairs.Kids rebel against any authority as a matter of their nature.


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