Posted 07-25-2003 at 18:25:25
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I'm talking about Rocky the steer. Now there was a time when the thought of doing Rocky in kind of made me feel sad. But that's what we got him for. Meat. So. Plus, that was back when he was under four feet tall at the back and before he learned how to become the bane of my existence.
The day he jumped his first fence our realtionship took a decidedly bad turn and he has done nothing to improve the situation. He has been jumping fences ever since. I have been cussing ever since.
Today was the final straw. I found him in the feed shed, his head stuck way down in a bag of laying pellets. I'm not even quite sure how he managed to get his big bulky body in the shed to begin with. But there he was.
"ROCKY!" I screamed. "GIT your butt OUT of there!"
His head came up and swung around and he looked at me with one big shiny black eye. I must have presented a frightening spector as I stomped across the yard, grabbing a four foot length of two by four, which I brandished menacingly as I went.
"I'm gonna beat ya to death this time Rocky, I told you the next time you....!"
Naturally he was not inclined to wait around for that scenario to play out, so with a lunge and a few awkward high steps he extricated himself from the shed and took off for the hen yard. About that time my foot came into contact with the little 'gift' he'd left behind on the shed floor and went out from under me. I did a pathetic half split and ended up sitting in his little pile of goop.
"Ahm *&*&^&%!!!gonna (&%$*&^%!!!! *&*&&%^!kill ya!!!!" I shrieked.
I finally found my feet and struck out after him. There he stood on the middle of a bunch of chickens like it was the most natural thing in the world. I leave the hen yard gate open during the day so that the hens can free range.
"Oh, I gotcha now." I snarled....I was fully prepared to use my two by four and he knew it so instead of waiting for me to get out of the way so that he could use the door he came in, he made a new one right through the poultry netting. I heard the wire ripping as it pulled loose from the corner post and suddenly everything went a vivid shade of red.
My raving took on a indecipherable quality and my voice raised up three octaves as I hurled insults at him, which did nothing but spur him on even more. He ended up standing in the middle of the garden, doing his little 'okay I know I weigh more than you and if I look scary enough maybe you'll go away and leave me alone' routine.
"Go ahead and swing that big jug head of yours around, you useless freak. That just gives me a moving target to aim for."
He took me at my word and turned and hightailed it to the fence and jumped over it, letting himself back into the pasture where he belonged.
I fumbled for and found my cell phone.
"I want that animal gone...dead...out of here...in the freezer...I don't care!" I shouted as soon as Fred answered the phone.
"Call Mr Perry, the butcher. Tell him to come get 'im."
"Really?" After a brief stunned silence I started giggling. "Really, really?"
"Yeh really, he's on my one last good nerve too. Let's do it."
"But it's gonnna be five or six hundred dollars." I reminded him.
"That's still cheaper than an emergency room visit when he gives one of us a stroke."
My next call was to Mr Perry, the arrangements have been made. He's going to come pick him up and we're going to have five or six hundred pounds of fresh beef to show for it. Not to mention peace of mind. If I live forever I don't ever want to own another beef.