Posted 08-25-2003 at 04:51:34
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It came a gulley washer, pie floater, gutter flusher (fill in your favorite quote) last night. I had to pull Mr Fred out of the mud twice this morning at five thirty with the tractor so that he could go to work and it was not a happy set of circumstances for either of us.
The skeeters were rampant, so we were swattin' and cussin' and tryin' to hook up the snatch chain from the truck to the tractor then he had the NERVE to holler at me for almost scraping the side of his truck with the blade that HE left on the back of the tractor. I knew what kind of clearance I needed, I just didn't know the blade was on it, which narrowed the maneuverability factor slightly.
To top it off, when I asked him how to find reverse on the tractor in the dark, he YELLED at me that it was where it always was and I had to yell back at him that if I knew where the *%!! it always was I wouldn't have to ASK, now would I, punctuated with a few more choice words and non-verbal guttural exclamations, as I ground around trying to find 'back up'
"Straight up! It's straight UP!"
Suddenly he came hip hopping through the mud almost falling twice and generously showed me where reverse was. Somehow the sound of those gears grinding put a giddyup in his getalong and suddenly he couldn't be helpful enough.
Okay, so we switch places. Then it was...'Don't run over the CHAIN...get OFF the brake! Let me pull you....don't do anything, just steer, no GAS, you're digging a HOLE, give it some gas! No....STOP! Get OFF the brake I SAID! Keep it in the road, go over to the right, no the LEFT the LEFT!'
When he looked back for the last time to see the single finger wave I was sending him he bent over the steering wheel of the tractor and laughed til I thought the top of his head was going to fly off.
Once we were safely out of the mud he came wading back and tried to do damage repair.
"Ahm sorry, I know I get tense..."
"You also know I'm mud challenged! You know I don't know what to do! All I need is simple DIRECTIONS! That's all just simple instructions that don't CONTRADICT each other! Don't....don't you DARE touch me."
By now he's following me around the truck trying to placate me.
"You did fine, you did GREAT, everything is okay, I couldn't have gotten out without you."
I have my back to him, arms folded over my breast, as impenetrable as Fort Knox.
"Not til you tell me you love me."
I glanced down at my shins, the only thing visible above the mud and sniff loudly.
"You know I love you. I just hate it when you yell at me."
"I know it, and I hate it when I yell at you too, but how many times do I have to tell you..."
"Oh DON'T even go there. How many times do I have to tell you what day is trash pickup day?! Fred....what day is trash pickup day?"
Long, long silence.
"Uhhh...okay. Touche', you win."
"Okay I love you. Now go to work."