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Redneck in the mall
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Cindi    Posted 09-05-2003 at 16:10:49       [Reply]  [No Email]
I don't even know where to begin. Jill and her boyfriend Paul and I made the weekly pilgrimage to Sarasota to pick up Fred's check today. Having some time to kill I offered to take the two lovebirds to the mall for an hour or two, but I had to warn Paul.

"Now Paul, honey, you're gonna see some things in this mall that are liable to astound, frighten, and amaze you."

Paul has been living in a small town all his life. Jill was thirteen when we left Sarasota. A city that is threatening to overtake Tampa in population. We still spend a lot of time there and have been in and out of the malls and seen the sights and the people.

He did really well until he couldn't find any bar-b-que in the food court and things only went downhill from there. I wanted to go into 'Hot Topic' to pick up a gift for my other daughter and he refused to go in. It's a rock and roll store. Contents something similar to what the punk rockers used to like to wear.

"I didn't lose nuthin' in there."

He finally went in and was pegged immmediately for the little redneck that he is and sent immediately to a small rack in the front of the store that held a half dozen John Deere baseball caps. From there he simply slipped out the door unnoticed and waited for Jill and I outside.

He did not get the concept of four dollars for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. He was clearly uncomfortable with some of the racey items on display at Spencers. He was overwhelmed and embarrassed at the merchandise at Victoria's Secret.

We passed people with green hair, facial tattoos, facial peircings, same se* couples and assorted other oddities that he weathered stoically, but about one o'clock when we slipped outside, me for a smoke and him for a dip, he was caught so completely off guard by one of the most simple sights that I was left breathless from laughing at him.

We stood outside the door getting our nicotine fix, and five men came breezing out, tall, tanned, well built, clearly athletes. Two of the men were carrying 'man bags', or what amounts to purses for men. That caught his eye immediately, I could tell by the disapproving, although subtle looks he was giving the purse toting fellas. It was raining, so one man ran off to get their vehicle and the other four stood at the door talking and waiting. I wasn't paying any attention to them but suddenly Paul leaned over and whispered..

"Kin you understand what they're sayin'?"

Once I got to listening it became clear they were speaking a foreign language, German I think.

"No, they're speaking another language."

He glanced over his shoulder at the men.

"All of them?"

"Well" I said grinning, "I reckon so, they seem to be talking to each other."

Then one of the men shouted to the one who'd gone after the vehicle something that sounded like.....

"Singa morsa wanton fook?" And then they all started laughing hysterically.

Well that was it. Paul had already decided that these were five gay men and that one of them had just brazenly propositioned another in broad daylight in the middle of the parking lot at the mall. He was livid.

He faced me, his eyes as big as saucers and his face as red as a beet.

"Now that's some *&!!!" He declared. "I'm sorry about my language, but talking to a man like that in Hardee County will get ya killed!"

Whatever this guy said, could have been as innocent as...."don't you wish you brought an umbrella?" but that's not what Paul heard. There was no convincing him that the guy could have been saying anything, he was inconsolable.

The last straw, going out the door some silly woman with a perfume sample had the nerve to ask him if he wanted something se*y for his lady. He took Jill's elbow possessively and steered her firmly toward the door.

"No thank you, she's fine as she is....you people are just all about se* here ain't ya?"

I didn't think I was ever going to stop laughing. I have to tell you, the more I get to know this young man....the better I like him.


Les (the picky!)    Posted 09-06-2003 at 10:01:32       [Reply]  [No Email]
"From there he simply slipped out the door unnoticed and waited for Jill and I outside"
It should have been "Jill and me". You wouldn't say "he waited for I outside", would you?

Les (who's just trying to help Cindi hone her skills)


Cindi    Posted 09-06-2003 at 12:44:59       [Reply]  [No Email]
Once again my dear you make perfect sense. I think you are my unofficial ghost writer. Want to make it official?


Les    Posted 09-06-2003 at 13:13:45       [Reply]  [No Email]
You're a very good writer. You want to write and have the discipline to write which is much more than I have.
Actually, my wife is way better at picking up those kinds of mistakes than I am. She used to be a proofreader. So was my daughter...at the same place (a graphics outfit). She even makes corrections in the newspaper as she reads it!


Mudcat49    Posted 09-06-2003 at 04:17:39       [Reply]  [No Email]
HEY! This Redneck carries a "MAN PURSE" Because I found out several years ago that it is a great place to tote my 38!!!! When some a$$hole makes a comment about it I walk over to him and let him feel the bag he gits the messege real quick!!!


Thought that...    Posted 09-06-2003 at 04:46:26       [Reply]  [No Email]
Was what God made Armpits for...

;-)

Salmoneye, The Stealthy


Redneck    Posted 09-05-2003 at 16:59:05       [Reply]  [No Email]
Been there,done that.I like the little feller and I ain't never laid eyes on him.Tell him I said hidee!


Cindi    Posted 09-05-2003 at 17:27:22       [Reply]  [No Email]
I just did, he's sittin' in there in the living room watching a movie. He says to say hi back to ya'!


Randy    Posted 09-05-2003 at 16:21:08       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Thanks for the grin after a long day of work.


Cindi    Posted 09-05-2003 at 17:28:20       [Reply]  [No Email]
You are very welcome. I figured you guys would get a kick out of it.


Randy    Posted 09-05-2003 at 17:57:12       [Reply]  [Send Email]
When my 18 year old nephew and myself went to school the other day he said one lady was looking at me and kinda not getting it. Jeff and I work together and he just laughs at all the looks I get from others. To me the rest of the people look and act wierd!
Good for the young boy to see the outside world a bit. I've been wide eyed myself a few times. Like that time at Mardi Gras........
Enjoy your night Cindi, time for floor.


Jimbob    Posted 09-05-2003 at 19:52:01       [Reply]  [No Email]
Orange hair, wierd clothes??????????

Tell you what, the young farm boys in perfect physical condition around here would make any city girl 'giggle' ya man!

Don't need any silly 'junk' around here.


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