Posted 09-25-2003 at 13:39:50
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The 1st Brigade of the Viola Volunteers of the 2nd Battalion Vernon County Militia has been mobilized in a mission that is of critical importance to the economic well being of the country.
With the deployment of our armed forces to the hostilities in the middle east, there have been significant economic repercussions in cities and towns all across this great country of ours.
The plight of bar owners, saloon keepers, and honky tonk proprietors whose establishments are adjacent to military bases has not been widely covered in the media. These business owners have seen their incomes plummet with the further deployment of the military personnel, their primary customer base, as the war in the middle east continues
We, the members of The 1st Brigade of the Viola Volunteers of the 2nd Battalion Vernon County Militia, feel it is our solemn duty to assist these businesses in regaining their economic livelihood.
We will be embarking on an expedition to visit every bar, tavern, supper club, saloon, gin mill, and honky tonk that is in proximity to a military base. At each of these places of business we will attempt to consume as much beer, whiskey, schnapps, or brandy, as is humanly possible to help these unfortunate business owners maintain their standard of living.
Most of the funds for this expedition have been raised through the use of "Toll Booths" strategically placed on Wisconsin roads frequented by tourists from Illinois and Minnesota. It should be noted that the Illinois tourists never even questioned the need for a $3.00 "toll" on a federally subsidized state or county road. This must be the result of all those years of conditioning by their own "Toll Authority", which makes them willing to pay for the privilege of driving on substandard roads that are perpetually under construction.
We also raised funds at the Vernon, Crawford, and Richland county fairs with our "Drown the Liberal" dunking booth. It was heartwarming to see youngsters and old folks alike lined up to throw baseballs at liberal politicians imported from Madison and northern Illinois for the event.
The expedition convoy will form up at Camp Liberty at 06:00 on Wednesday October 1st.
Camp Liberty, which is in Liberty Township, Wisconsin, is also the site of the famous annual "Uncle Andy's Male Bonding and Burnt Meat Weekendİ" which is traditionally held each June.
The convoy will proceed to the outskirts of Camp McCoy which is approximately two hours travel time from Camp Liberty.
The 1st Brigade will perform two days of "conditioning exercises" at specially chosen bars and taverns near Camp McCoy. The conditioning exercises will consist of consuming a different brand of locally produced beer every half hour, while limiting the all other caloric intake to one of four flavors of beef jerky that will be supplied Larry Dank, our Quartermaster.
After departing Camp McCoy, the convoy will take on supplies of ice, beer, red meat, and pork rinds for the trek to our next stop, Fort Benning Georgia, with intermediate stops at West Point, the Naval Academy at Annapolis, and Norfolk Naval Air Station.
Once we have replenished the coffers of the saloon keepers in such wonderful Georgia places as Opelika and Auburn, we will make our way west to Fort Riley, and Leavenworth, Kansas, and then on to various other military installations and outposts across this great country.
Hopefully in our own small way, we will make life just a little bit better for the folks on the home front. All the while, keeping the home fires and the acid reflux burning, and supporting our boys in uniform.
God Bless America
S/Sgt Andrew Hollmer
1st Brigade of the Viola Volunteers