Posted 10-04-2003 at 22:12:29
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Our crossing guard at the corner where I wait to pick up the kids is a very sweet lady from Cuba. Her mother is the one who wanted the chickens that I brought to town last week, which she said by the way, were delicious. Anyway, I love to listen to her talk in her specially formatted english where all the vowels are way longer than they should be. To me there is nothing more beautiful than the english language spoken with a rich accent. I usually wait for the kids under the big oak tree where she parks her truck, so we talk a lot. Today I ran into her in the grocery store.
"Hiiiii Miss Ceeendeeee!" Here she comes, wiggling the fingers of her right hand in her customary wave.
"Hey Marta! How are you?"
"Ohhh, I'm fiiiine, but did chu heard about dat boy Kurt?" Suddenly her brow wrinkled and she looked very worried. "Aye dios mio!" Tsk, tsk tsk.
Kurt is my daughter's boyfriend's little brother. He is crossed by Marta twice a day every weekday and they....talk. I had heard nothing about Kurt to warrant this much sympathy and concern.
"No, what happened?"
I'm thinking he got hit by a car or something and wondering how in a town this small I wouldn't have heard about something like that, especially since he is pratically family.
"Aye, me madre! He was telling meeee.." this is where her hand goes over her heart and she grimaces.."that he went to do dis hog hunteeeeng theeeeng and dis hog....he...well, he....he bite him on his prrrrivate area! Ooooh my God!" She shook her head and then held out her right hand with her fingers splayed. "He had to have fi' steetches!"
It was all I could do to keep a straight face.
"Marta, when did he tell you this?"
"Less-see, he tol' me dis on Friday morning. He say it happen on T'urdsay night."
"Let me get this straight. He told you that he went hog hunting on Thursday night, a school night, and was attacked by a hog in this sensitive area, resulting in five stitches, and he showed up for school on time the next morning? Without crutches....or anything?"
"Yeeees!" And then. "Ohhhh!"
Her expression changed to one of confusion.
"You tink maybe part of dis ting was not de trute?"
"I tink maybe all of dis ting was not de trute." I said grinning.
"Reeeeely?" It was starting to sink in on her that maybe she had been the victim of a serious leg pulling.
That kid! I swear he will lie when telling the truth would be more entertaining and believable. He can spin more yarns in weirder ways than anyone I have ever seen in my life. I've heard of tall tales, but this kid tells taller tales than I have ever heard. Why would he say that he was injured in THAT area? Does his warped little mind tell him that that is the one place that isn't readily visible? This kid makes no sense to me.
"Let me give you a little piece of advice where it concerns Kurt, Marta. Don't believe a dang thing he says unless he's got pictures, six witnesses, and a police report. In the first place if he had been BRUSHED by the breeze from a wild hog two miles away, he would show up in a neck brace claiming he had been run over, chewed up, spit out, and drug fifty miles and that for sure there is wild hog dung out there somewhere in the wilderness with pieces of him in it."
"Oh my God! He is a liii-yer?"
"Of the worst sort."
"Why does he do dis ting?"
"Well, that's a good question but I can't answer it. Maybe he's going to be a writer someday or something, I don't know, he sure has the imagination for it and he can be convincing."
"I know.." she started giggling. "maybe he will be the prrrresident!"
Then we both cracked up. I don't know which president she was referring to and I won't say which one jumped to my mind.
"He's certainly qualified. But don't worry. His manhood is firmly intact, I know that for sure, because if he ever actually got any stitches he would be in a full body cast and in a wheelchair or in traction somewhere. To my knowledge he has never had stitches and if he had you could be sure he would show them to you, I don't care where they were, just so he could show them off."
She wrinkled her nose.
"I would not want to seeee thaaaat."
"You and a bunch of other people."
Poor Marta. She went on her way and I went on mine and I had to wonder how many other people she had already told about this poor boy and his horrendous wild hog attack.