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Pet letter
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deadcarp    Posted 10-12-2003 at 09:12:13       [Reply]  [No Email]
Dear Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Dear Master,,,    Posted 10-12-2003 at 14:00:45       [Reply]  [No Email]
I know you THINK you have the upper hand, that you are in fact the supreme being. I know that you think that you are smarter than me, HOWEVER,,,
Have you ever seen me step in your poop? Feed you? Clean up your poop????
I didn't think so,, Now who is the superior being?
Thanks for the steak

toolman    Posted 10-12-2003 at 10:09:46       [Reply]  [No Email]
sounds like they have us figured pretty good don,t they, wonder who really is they so called dumb animal , i know mine have me figured pretty well,sure hope they don,t read that letter though they might get some new ideas, haha thanks for the chuckle this morin.

Faye    Posted 10-12-2003 at 09:57:28       [Reply]  [Send Email]
Thanks for the great laugh this morning! And I thought my pets were the morning, I'm kicking furry dog and cat bodies off my bed so i can get up, and during the day they all nap in their dog beds.

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