Posted 10-30-2003 at 04:06:34
[Reply] [No Email]
I try to get up at least thirty minutes after Fred so I don't have to go through the news with him. You have never seen a man more discouraged or irritated by the way things are going in the world, and not shy about saying so. He has an answer for everything and a solution to every problem.
Newscaster: The young man who smuggled box cutters onto a commercial airline flight has confessed that he was merely trying to 'test' the security system.
Fred: Yeah, well here ya go ya little (insert expletive) now ya get ta test the 'prison' system. Serves ya right too.
Newscaster: Arguments are being heard once again today in the Shaivo case. Terry Shaivo is on a breathing tube and due to 'Terry's Law'....
Fred: Oh....will you look at that. They have a 'Terry's Law' (fake sob) That man needs to throw his hands up and be done with this mess. Let her parents take care of her. Especially now that there's a TERRYS'S LAW!
Me: I want a CINDI'S LAW.
Fred: I'll get you one.
Newscaster: As California fires continue to burn....
Me: That place is going to burn right off the map one day.
Me: Fred! I have freinds in California.
Fred: Well tell 'em they should move. The place is on fire.
Newscaster: Scientists say there is a new secret to living longer...
Fred: That's easy, just get in debt. They won't let you die.
Traffic report: As you can see the south bound lane of the Howard Franklin is backed up due to a vehicle fire that emergency crews are struggling to put out....
Fred: Lucky (expletive) finally found a way out of that vehicle lease! Deal with that GMAC! Yuk yuk.
Newscaster: The pilot of a helicopter that crashed into a strawberry field last week has died....
Fred: Poor fellow. (Humming chorus to 'Strawberry Fields Forever')
Me: Tsk tsk, you oughta be ashamed.
Newscaster: A local walmart store has been evacuated due to a 'strange smell' that emergency crews say came from automotive batteries that leaked acid onto the carpeting in the car care center...
Fred: How could they tell that stink from the normal stink?
Me: Hey, watch it now. I may be working there soon.
Fred, oh, well, once you're in it, it'll smell better.
He stood up and drained the last few drops from his coffee cup just as the local weather report was starting.
Me: Aren't you going to stay for the weather?
Fred: Why, it's never right. I'll just wait for daylight and look at the sky.
Me: Well have a good day.
Fred: I doubt it.
Fred: Because according to daily health report, I'm eating too much sugar and too much red meat and there's a very real possibility that the air is going to kill me and if that doesn't get me, skin cancer will.
Me: Well do the best you can.
Fred: I always do.
Finally some peace. Until tomorrow morning and the so-called news. (grin)