Posted 12-02-2003 at 16:02:23
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I sometimes have trouble with the last one
The True Southerner
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
conniption, and that you "PITCH" one, -- and you "HAVE" the other.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as
"Going to town, be back directly.
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is
a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a
little bowl in the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might
use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the
can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ole boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a
or an adverb.
12.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We
do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to
13.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.
14.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
15.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
16.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast
food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
17.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ,"
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
18.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. (And I add
this statement that when true Southerners say 'light bread' that they
mean the 'store-bought-sliced variety and most of the time they mean
white kind, no matter the brand name.).
19.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends,
could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart," and go your own way.