Posted 01-05-2004 at 05:08:43
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If ever there was a time to run away from home, this is it. If I had a hundred bucks to my name, I would call that enough and hit the road with a bed roll and my thumb out.
Fred (43) had almost a whole week off and at 5 p.m. yesterday, he started.
"I don' wanna go back to work. I don' wanna. I'd rather take a beating than go back there and see what happened over the week I was gone. I would lay you even money that there's going to be he11 to pay. I think I'm having chest pains....maybe I need to go to the hospital." Lower lip all stuck out.
I contemplated giving him the beating and one more day off, but, sigh, I don't have that authority.
Jill (17) lied to me and got caught. She asked to stay out past her curfew Saturday night so she could go to a SPECIFIC place and I agreed. Found out she didn't go to the SPECIFIC place as arranged, and when I called her on it she...
(Insert drum roll)
LIED TO ME!
I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was lying, and she wanted to know if I'd been following her.
"Then how'd you figger it out?"
"Witchcraft. How do you think? Wanna see me wiggle my nose like Samantha Stephens? One week, no social life."
"I have said my piece and counted to three. Now git."
I don't know how I knew. When you've raised a kid for seventeen years, ya just know. Now I have to live with her stuck at home for a week, but she thinks I have special powers, so she's giving me my space.
Jake (14) had a little cash left over after Christmas and like any good shopper, took advantage of the post holiday sales, and brought home about five pounds of Christmas chocolate, and proceeded to gobble down at least four and a half pounds of it before I found it and hid it. All day yesterday I heard...
"Ohhh....ugggghh....I'm gonna puke."
"Well, gee son, I wonder why."
"Can you die from too much chocolate? I think I'm havin' chest pains...maybe I need to go to the hospital." Lower lip all stuck out.
Clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Last but not least, we have little Jenny (13). Jenny, who ya never hear from unless someone crosses her and she needs back up, and she's been practically invisible the last week, lost in her art work and other little quiet 'Jenny-like activities', so I figured everything was right with her world. WRONG.
She'd merely been taking names and saving up to get me alone and itemize all the wrongs that have been done her...
".....and Jake took my tootsie roll bank, the one that was in my stocking...how low can ya go to steal someone's candy from their stocking? Huh? I know he did it, cuz I found it all crumpled up in his room after he ate all the tootsie rolls, and Fred yelled at me....TWICE!... and Jill borrowed my CD player and now the batteries are dead.....and what are you going to DO about this!?"
"What do you think I should do?"
"Line 'em up firing squad style, and...." She began with an evil grin.
"Don't you dare finish that sentence. I have special powers, I'll blink you back to first grade."
"Oh, pfffft. No you don't!"
"Well, I know, but don't tell Jill, okay?"
I gave her what was left of Jake's chocolate and the batteries out of the remote for Jill's T V and made her swear not to tell, thereby killing two birds with one stone. Then I told her that Fred was stuck in a blue funk so ...'I'm sure he didn't mean it'.
Fred finally dragged butt out the door this morning at five thirty, still rubbing his chest (which is a tad worriesome, but I think he'll pull through, considering this happens almost every Monday) and as luck would have it, today is a teacher work day so all the kids will be here all day, but I know that if I tippy toe around and don't make any food preperation noises, they could sleep as late as eleven o'clock, and that is my goal. To keep them unconscious as long as possible. As a precaution, I will post a list on the inside of each of their bedroom doors that says...
"When you get up, I need you to do this...and this...and this...and this," which should work every bit as good as a tranquilizer.
You don't go through ten years or more of holidays with the same people without learning a trick or two.