|the dog house ||
Posted 01-26-2004 at 13:41:14
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Well, all yawl boyz and girls, I'm taking up residence again in a somewhat smaller dwelling. My dog has graciously consented to share her abode with yours truly. Now, would you like to know how this all came about?
Well, it all began a little before bedtime last evening when George W. Bush, with little or no help from God and Mother Nature, started the fine white stuff afalling on this area of the country.
Now, quite naturally, I have to lay the blame where it belongs and, since G.W. is responsible for everything else that has or will go wrong, not only here in the good ole USA, but everywhere else as well, he must be the guilty party.
Now, when I awoke this morning I naturally took a look out the window to assess the accumulation of snow. Didn't look to bad, I sez. Seemed to be about 5 to 6 inches. Not bad at all. Heck, I was feeling so good about being alive and breathing, I kinda looked forward to shovelling the walk.
After breakfast and a third cup of black, (No cream), jump start, I joyously went about the business of dressing for the great white outdoors. Now, seeing as how my old advissary, Arther Ritis, seems to act up when ever it's cold, I bundled up right smart. In addition to the cotton twill trousers which I had on, I slipped over a brand new, never before worn, Christmas Gift from one of the Kids, pair of Fleecies sweatpants. Next I put on an old sweat shirt with a hood, slipped into my 10 inch leather boots, followed by rubber overshoes. afterward, I put on my cap and secured the hood with the attached strings and then I put on my Coat and gloves and asked for directions to the door.
Once I was outside, I retreaved my trusty snow shovel and proceeded to bend and scoop until I made it to the road. There I cleaned all around the mailbox so the mailman could make a drop without leaving his car. By the time I got back to the house, I realized that I needed to discharge some of the aforementioned jump start. So, in I went, wet boots and all, to the little boys room. Which, can only be described as a no-no where women are concerned. But, from where I stood, it was a do or get wet and stink situation. So, with my wet boots, I violated the cardinal rule of co-habitation.
Now, if you've ever been in a hurry to do a thing, you know that how haste causes waste. And, sometimes, in our haste we tend to disregard normal practices. You know, little things like lifting the lid. On top of all that, you're fumbling through added layers of clothing and that further complicates matters. So, by the time you've completed the task at hand, you know you must clean up after yourself. But then, something which you never counted on happens. Someone in another room calls your name and that's when the Senior Moment set in and your mind goes into neuteral. You answear the call and forget to wipe the seat. However, stand alone, at this stage, it isn't a serious enough offence to land you in the little house. But, compiled with something else and it becomes unforgivable.
I still had work to do outside and so, my good wife held the door for me when I started out. Once on the sidewalk, she call to me to hike up my pants. And, then I remembered that was what I was doing in the bathroom when the call was heard. Normerly, hiking up my pants would be simple enough. I would just reach down and gather them at the beltloops and give a tug. But, today, I had to contend with the twill ones underneith, which had not been fastened in front.
The result was that they had slipped down to rest on the crotch of the fleeces and was in fact weighing the outter one down. Which, further resulted in exposing my back to the elements.
Infront of God and a few birds, I pushed both pair down and in so doing, lowered my undershorts. Well, you'd a thought I'd a sucker punched the Pope the way that woman carried on.
She said, What is the matter with you? Don't you know someone might drive by? Get in this house and nag nag nag.
I guess she forgot about those nights when the kids were fast asleep and we'd stand stripped to the skin in a warm summer rain with nothing more than a bar of soap.