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Topic: I'm still here
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Papa Jim

09-03-2009 09:17:19

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I'm still hanging around, just been busy as a cat in a litter box so havn't had time to post much. Had trouble with some of my bee hives and have been working on several projects, trying to pick up a little extra change. I see I have missed several birthdays and anniversies, so the best wishes to all of those that I have missed. Now for all those special occasions I have listed some proper behavior.

Redneck Etiquette

Personal Hygiene:
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this

Dining Out:
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from
the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Entertaining In Your Home:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.

Dating (Outside The Family):
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen
from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in

Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a
proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a nasty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions:
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.


09-03-2009 09:51:25

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I actualy started out grinning and the more I read the funnier it got...this is one joke I'm gonna c&p to a ton of folks.....

I needed this today...thanks a bunch... and the Mrs have cared for a ton of kids...any insight on my little ball of furry that I talked about in the below post?

-granny h

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